So here it is, the eve of my 31st birthday. I honestly thought that this day would bring sadness and unsettled feelings. I was of course half right. See its this time of peace and calm before a huge moment takes place when I do the most thinking.  Of course I should be unsettled with all before me, but as well I feel a sense of relief and atonement. Last year about this time, I was crying my heart out. I was alone, in a new city, missing my family and friends and hurt about my fresh ex. I had one friend in Sacramento, who unfortunately was way too caught up in her own foolery to be beneficial for me. I shut myself out completely from about 90 percent of my friends and family because of my separation from loved ones; I had severe trust issues because I felt bamboozled by those who claimed to be real and good for me, as well as my own guilt, anxiety, and frustration with myself due to previous happenings already disclosed. While there were these highs and lows, I promised myself on my 30th that this year was going to be a new beginning, I was going to make my life better.

Overall, this year brought a lot of interesting experiences. I witnessed the birth of Dannica, went on a few trips, met a lot of new people and began a few good friendships. I also lost friendships, lost quite a few family members, I lost site of what better was for my own good as opposed to better to me at the time. But I believe that I lived and I learned. I made tough decisions about my life but the good thing is that I made these decisions for me, my good, myself. I have lived my life for others for years and this was really the first time I felt like everything was solely for my own personal growth. I didn't do as great as I thought I could with my decision making for me, but once again, I lived and I learned. I wouldn't take back anything.

One major turn in my life is realizing my potential as a friend to myself. I always thought that if I was really anyone's friend, that my flaws would be accepted and protected, but now I see that as a bit of an excuse. I realize that flaws are accepted, but if its yourself that sees them, you ought to change them, not build them up as "thats just me." Believe it or not, this lesson came from befriending a 20 year old man - Corry. Im not sure if he will ever know that because of that lesson, I adhered to my plan to be a better woman. Not to mention that it was this friendship that opened me back up to communicate with those I love. There is a gratitude that I have for someone who was just himself and gave me such a huge gift. I can love my friends again.

I have a lot of love and gratitude to those who stuck by my side during this year. It was a hard year for me and honestly, my mother Kelly, my cousins Carmella and Makita, my sisters Melissa and Davi, and of course my niece Malaiha stuck by my side. Jesse tirelessly listened to countless nights of me crying about my changes and he stuck by my side as well.  Beth was always an ear as well and put her heart into my emotions as a friend should. Nineveh cheerleaded all my efforts to be better in life. Nikki woke my dramatically fun spirit in me. Kisha made me think of my endless possibilities while keeping a firm grasp on reality. Carmen reminded me that I am still someone that leaves a lasting impression. Arecia made sure I knew to keep my head up. Mariela always gave great advice and supreme understanding. Mamie's laugh alone made me feel like I was alive again. Relating to Danielle (Disco Mar) and her relating to me was what I truly NEEDED from my friend and I love her for that. And Kiki, the one that propelled me as a kid, the one who gave me 3 reasons to love unconditionally without even realizing it, gave me the huge lesson of loss without death. And of course the other great friends, associates whatever, with wisdom and resourceful insight, its appreciated for all you've given me. You didn't know you were helping me with some of the hardest times of my life, but I thank you immensely. These lessons take me into being 31 years old, not hardly a milestone in the conventional sense, but definitely a milestone for me. My first year of taking care of me proved to be so much. I love all that I learned, and I am excited for what is next to come.

Happy Birthday to me :)

yes...

This moment could not have come sooner. The feeling of release and contentment; it's a feeling I have yearned and desired since this time begun. I think of my struggles and how I foolishly assumed that a man would be there for me. The hardships I faced, the case I caught, the emotional pain associated with being taken advantage of and all through it, I expected the man whose back I had effortlessly would do the same in return. I was wrong and I struggled with that and wanted reasons for his departure. I took almost a year crying - profusely - searching for answers for the way things had become. Everything I did reminded me of what WE did and it hurt me to think of all our various memories and be painfully reminded that it's all over. 

So pathetic, but I realize it was necessary for me. I love how God takes you through lessons of love and life. I realized that if you pay attention, you retain the best way to learn that time heals all wounds. And in the end, i can surmise that I have been blessed with loving someone; I adored the former; I took all his good with his bad, I taught him how to make the best out of life and he taught me a distinctive method in to making my way through life. I appreciate all I have learned and I'll take my lessons learned with me onto the next venture, if that happens. Further I'm blessed for these lessons learned without marriage or children; I'm sure that would prolong the disillusionment and keep me anchored to something toxic.

Anyway, it's over, I'm done. I have no more tears to shed; "he" today isn't worth one. This feels awesome. I love me more today. I can say I've a accomplished a huge feat. I know I'll have bad moments but the good part is they will pass. I have enough faith that they will keep moving. Thank you God. You're always good and always on time.