Men

So... still up. Thinking about this conversation I had with my grandma... well, the events after rather. After that convo, which is a different story entirely, she gave back the phone to Melissa, and she of course asked if I wanted to talk to my first known dad, Steve Mitchell and my first known grandfather Pops. Neither wanted to speak to me. Not at all. Didn't take the phone, didn't say hey Monique. Its so regular of them to do that. I think my brother just felt bad (it showed) and thats the reason he spoke to me.

I have always said this: The men in my life, they almost always leave. My real father left before I was born and I accepted that at such a young age and certainly too soon after I found out at 13. Steve Mitchell, the man with whose last name I have, the man I knew as my dad; the man that had men himself, left me because I had respect for both my new step-dad and real father. It was he who literally threw the fact that he wasn't my real father in my face because he was mad at my mother. He tainted my confidence in men at that moment I realized that he was truly acting out of spite.

Even still, I respected him, still called him dad and he abandoned me. Taking my sister and brother on trips and leaving me behind. Pops as well wouldn't take my calls, hung up on me when he did accidentally answer the phone. Even then, I never said fuck you, I swallowed hard and kept loving the memories, loving the time when they loved me; when they called me their granddaughter. At the same time, my brother moved in with my dad and that caused a fatal error. He believed Steve Mitchell and Steve Mitchell said I didn't love him anymore. (right, #whatparentdoesthatshit) That was my brother... we were BEST FRIENDS when I was a kid. I wanted to be like my bro; I climbed and fell out of trees (in a beehive once) just to be around him and he left me too.

Fast-forward to when I gave myself to my boyfriend, and thinking that was a bright idea, I realized soon after my own power. No, not in my pussy (duhh) but my spirit with men in general. Men gravitated to me no matter their age. Every man at my job liked me. Gave me good references. My boss, Sam Walker especially gravitated towards me, just as a friend and introduced me to his entire family, including his nephew, Jesse. Now Jesse... is probably the most important man outside of my family in my life. He is regarded by all my friends that know him, influential, caring and resourceful. Has an asshole side that I adore and respect. We ended up in a relationship that lasted 3.5 years, which had its issues.

While this was going on Dad Aaron got so angry with me because I grew up... its interesting how that happened. He went at great lengths to make me feel horrible and it worked. Calling me out my name, kicking me out of the house, throwing my shit out the back door. Probably the worst was after I did leave, he showed up at my new place at 11 o'clock on a Friday night and dropped off my shit... on the street. Told me to "Get Jesse to help you" and drove off. Thing is Jesse was in Oregon with his family. I lived up 3 flights of stairs. Yeah... mind you, I lived on 37th and Telegraph near West Mac. People who know Oakland knows thats a regular Vice City. But I went on again and sucked it up, moved my shit alone, as well as went on loving him. I didn't say fuck you Aaron. I should have, but no...

Then Jesse cheated on me. In Thailand. He called me. Guilty conscience ass... we couldn't survive. So, at the heels of the bad phase of my relationship with him, I went on a hunt to rekindle the relationships I had with the men in my life - my 3 dads, grandpas, etc. Aaron, pop-fly behind the catcher and caught... Steve, out.... David, base hit... Pops, out. (David is my real father.) A country man with a whole new family that loves me no less, but its a bit hard when you find that the dad that left you while you were in the womb still went on to have 4 more kids and a beautiful wife. It was intimidating, but also painful. So, I digressed and found myself having a lot of fun with just figuring out me and men sexually. Yeah, a lot of fun... Until I met Ahmed. He was supposed to be just something that happened, but then I realized he wasn't at all. Further, I fell in love with him, thought he was the one, never feeling like that ever in my life.

And he rose to the occasion. Beautiful and creative gifts, public displays of affection. Showing up at my job with Valentine's and singing balloons. He loved me. I loved him. I just knew he wouldn't leave. But we know what happened. He couldn't understand my personal torment and left me. Just like Dad Steve, Dad David, Dad Aaron, Pops, my older brother, etc., gone.

I'm not going to talk about the useless men... the ones that went into situations with no regard, or the ones who took advantage and did hurtful, mean and fucking illegal shit to me. Those fucks don't count. They contributed even more to my inability to connect with men and the pain they caused is something that I'm working with but ... sigh. I just can't write about it again.

I used to cry, "they all leave me" in my bed at night. As a teen, I was so sad when it came down to it. I thought about my attraction to women, and thought maybe that was for me, but I knew that's just not an option for me. I love men too much. I just want them to love me the way I do them. Even the gentlemen I've met this year in school or FB or Twitter. I didn't mention by name, but you too... I want your friendship and I hope you don't leave.

So you see, my foundation is a little fucked. I have always managed to try to make up for this.  Being nice and resourceful, lending an ear and time. Making sure you are happy makes me happy so I do what I can. But the sad part is while I do this, its not returned equally. Instead, most of them do leave eventually. I've kind of gotten used to it. But yeah, it hurts. But its like I always do, I swallow hard, I wipe my tears and I keep hold to the good. I still believe in you men. I bruise but I heal too.

Thinking ass backwards.

If I had to make a decision on my future right now, I would decide to stop crying, stop feeling like I'm trapped in a bubble with no one to turn to and make shit right. I used to have someone to help me through these painful times. He used say, "Hey, fuck that, you"ll be fine" or "Shut up" or "You will make it". Now that he is gone, I have to tell myself that, but I'm starting to not believe me. My words don't hold the same power, perhaps because I was beaten up pretty bad this year.

Now, Im going to be honest here. Some don't know the full scale of my misfortunes. In April of this year, I was arrested at the behest of my former boss. She said I had stolen from her. I didn't, at least I didn't steal... she authorized shit, and later recanted because she was nearly $2.0 million (an unrelated $2 mil) in the hole after her dad died. Its something that has hampered the fuck out of my trust among friends, family and others. I don't want to work among people again, because I am afraid of being admonished. Not to mention, I am a felon... yes, me. I was subjected to jail - Santa Rita... ugh, the notion of me in a blue suit is not cool. I have to do DNA testing, and my mug shot can be found if you look for it. Spare yourself. Don't look for it.

Then, merely a week after my stint in jail, I was sexually abused. (long deep heavy sigh...) The thing is I thought this was so my own fault. I am an overtly sexual person. I knew to some degree he wanted it. But the fact of the matter is I didn't. He took advantage of my struggling weakness at that point in time and it happened. Disgust overwhelms me when I think about what he said to me before, during and after. But again, I really thought I perpetuated the situation because I can be so forgiving. So what the hell? I did this to myself? Its something I continue to struggle with. I more often have a hard time even thinking about it; summoned to tears, the pain is tireless in me. That shit hurts. Why would someone hurt me like that? Im hella cool. Sweet. Kindhearted. I thought I was those things, so why hurt me? I'm still confused about this. Anyway...

So with these parallel bad events, I feel like I've had my fair share. Right? No... death is right in my vision. My grandma Mitchell isn't doing too good. I just remember when we were little, she used to make porcelain dolls, and she showed us how she did it. She always smelled good. She had beautiful skin. I loved her and I looked up to her. I think of her devotion to her husband, Pops, and thought I wanted to love someone as she does him, and further get the same in return as Pops does her. She was a good cook too... She made cake a lot... lol, I loved cake as a kid so we got along great. But, I stopped seeing her so much because of the politics of me - I technically wasn't her grandchild. I didn't know she wasn't until I was 13.

In addition, my granny's birthday is today... When I think of her, I think of food cooking, her tireless ways; her selfless acts... converting her own home for those less fortunate. She gave her life for others. She took care of the homeless in her own home. She was amazing. I remember when I first met her, I was 13. She looked at me, and held her mouth... she was shocked and so damn happy. She hugged me for like 15 minutes. It just felt right. I felt like I had finally found the other half of my heart. I appreciated that she hugged my little sister for just as long since she was just meeting me too and probably didn't know how to feel about a big sister coming into her life 7 years into her life. Great woman... Rest in peace.

Then theres that hungover situation but we know about Ahmed already, I don't need to go into him on this one or this blog will never end. Kind of like this portion of my life. Shit is relentless.

Funny thing is while that I feel like I'm in a bubble, I see friends going through shit so parallel to my life and I wanna heal them so bad. Like "please don't feel like I do, please get the most out of life because this shit hurts and destroys your spirit." I don't want anyone to feel like I do right now. I'm that sensitive, overtly sexual, sexually abused felon... try that title on after your name and see how you feel. Shits fucked up right? Yeah.

I deserve a better title than that. I've seen good, bad and fucking ugly and life isn't really that simple. My optimism is still there... albeit its fucked off, but its still there. Its like this blog... its never-fucking-ending...

school's out

School this semester wasn't as climatic as last semester, but THAT IS A BLESSING! LOL! I got 2 A's, 3 B's, and 1 damn C. I can only be grateful that I am making it. I hate that I am so far from home and somewhat far from completion, but dammit I want this future so bad. I need to keep pushing for sure. Work harder and do even better. I'm actually looking forward to next semester.  I'm hoping my classes are interesting and challenging.

Silver lining...

If there is anything that makes day to day just a little easier to deal with, its the fact that there are folks that want me around. I know, I know... that sounds super self serving but I love that I have made new friends and have gotten better at being friends with my long times gals... I love them so much and they do make me feel whole. I was always close to all my friends and even though I made other friends quite often, I never strayed away from my home court of friends.  It wasn't until very recently where I realized I pushed them away - almost all of them, by sequestering myself and drowning myself in the misery that had become my life. Not cool.

When this whole thing started, I had no idea I was ruining ALL of my friendships by not being myself. I was tiring myself out with ways to hide my pain. First it was securing myself in my bedroom with blankets over the windows. Then it was acting out through words on my twitter. Then it was blatantly stating I need a break from you; you make me so uncomfortable; I can't even stand yo ass right now... things like that. Then it became a situation where I became panicked after realizing I was being intolerable to folks and wanted to do something, but figured it was all understood. I didn't want to admit to myself that its crazy to think that everyone is supposed to just "understand." I pushed everyone away with that shit... I went from wanting those people around to wanting no one around "if they don't want to be." Bullshit... before that happened, I wouldn't stand for anyone talking to me like that so why I would think I could do others like that is beyond me...

I'm only glad that Kiki, Carmella, Monique among others are there.  Some have disappeared and reemerged but nonetheless I am glad for them in one way or another.  They have helped me to understand the value of friendship just a bit more than I did even a year ago. 

"friends are reflections of who you are and reminders of who you want to become."

In addition, there are the new folks in my life.  I gave up on new friends because they had become so hemorrhaging but thankfully there are a few that have come into my life and have awaken my spirit... some by force through their own spirit and others through their quiet resolve and realistic nature.  I thought about the fact that I recently had been inspired to be my normal dramatic self in just regular discussion; it was just a few short months ago that I was just tired out with even expressing myself to anyone other than Carmella and Jesse and therefore amazingly introverted and dry. I owe that resurrection to only one person... lmao. Thanks Nikki... I'm sure my Aquarius friends would love to strangle you too...

And speaking of Nikki... Ms. Memphis herself... I imagine that God brought us together for some truly bizarre reason... we really are alike in the most uncharacteristic ways and are going through parallel life changing battles like moving away from family and friends to build a better life among other things. Not to mention this chick's birthday is 4/19.  I finally have my very own femme Aries/Taurus... not borrowed, all my own. (inside joke). She really is an interesting gal.

The quietly resolved chick - Ms. Seven - is a woman all her own... from D.C. and she makes life just a little bit easier for me.  Entirely motivational, she wants us to be better I see... she knows my story and relates; made it easy to be me again just be enticing me just do it my way.  I love her spirit... it really is easy going... like I was way before I met her, but managed to lose briefly through my stress and strive...

There are other new ones that have helped me re-find myself.  I am so grateful for them all. I'm glad that God brought these people to me.  They have been a blessing in their own way.

To me friends are reflections of who you are and reminders of who you want to become. They inspire you to work harder and be better. They are there with you to have fun and enjoy the time along the way. They will tell you when you are dead wrong and praise you when you are right.  I'm grateful for my bunch... all of my friends.  That is my silver lining in all this stuff I am going through; the case, the dude, the move, the life... I managed to find my friends and keep them. Thank you all... I love you dearly.

ctrl+alt+delete

okay, I'm not really into cliche's so I'm going to try to make this sound a uncorny as I possibly can.

When you have an issue with your computer; fucked it up in some fashion, it freezes on you.  When that occurs, what is the most likely thing you do? You restart your computer, cross your fingers, and hope for the best right? Yeah, well... I went into several situations; fucked them up royally and sure enough EVERYONE froze.  My attempt to restart these programs, if you will, has been fruitless to say the least.  I talked to one person, who wagered that my integrity has been compromised. Another won't talk to me really at all... and of course other the last has a slow chip and the rebooting has been under par.

I can't help but blame myself. For everything. I allowed things that would normally not blow me over to hurt me and deceive my thinking overall on people.  I hurt myself AFTER someone else hurt me... that's a epic fail. I'm sitting here, realizing my faults, and ask that those I pushed away to come back. I'm telling you I know I was with the shit. I know I was tripping... I failed you as a friend. But you know where my heart has always been. I ask that you give me the chance to proceed as your friend.  I don't want to make up the time apart. I don't think that's the right thing to do.  I've learned that making it up is only done to cover up what one has done wrong. Please. I don't want that. I want to always remember that THIS place is where there is no love, no companionship, no you.  I don't want that. I hope you recognize my plea. I'm not saying that I am normal completely, but I'm getting there. I should have been better for you and myself.

So... I hit my ctrl+alt+delete and I am scanning for these programs to reboot. I hope the diagnostics and repairs help. I really adore each part of my cpu... the programs, security, and protocols; I don't think my cpu will function properly without them.

Yep, still corny. I tried. But you get the point, right?

today.

okay, all nonsense aside, I am so terribly torn by my by current feelings on this situation.  I just want the best for myself; of course I need my time to heal from the things that brought my way and the things that have occurred.  I feel like I am backpedaling; like as though my life as I knew it was wrong for some reason or another and now, I must reinvent it.

Noting that this is a daunting task, I ask myself what can I possibly to make things better. What can I do to ensure that this doesn't happen again? I need better.  I thought I had something good. It felt RIGHT. Dead on... like as though all that was needed was the progression of life... my growth, his growth... our growth. We meshed well. We got along. There was a time when I thought one day he could be my hubby. I thought he was capable of making all my dreams come true.  Not too little; not too much... loving and careful; just what I needed at the time. I think he loved me before I actually did him which is probably one the most biggest reasons for his hatred for me today. He feels I wronged him. I did him in... smh... if he only knew. Or better; if he only put his stubbornness aside for a few moments, he would see... I loved him more and more each day. I cared for him the way a woman is supposed to care for his man. I gave up my entire life for him... no, for us. I took extra special care of myself and him for the sake of... us. I took care the way I took care of Kiki when she was pregnant with Damarco. Like the way I took care of Carmella when she broke her foot. Like the way I took care of my mother when my dad was incarcerated. Like the way I took care of my niece and my sister when they were homeless. He was my family, so I did what I had to do to protect him, to nourish him, to contribute to his personal growth. I wasn't always perfect.  In fact, I fucked up; made ridiculous decisions and even compromised myself in several ways. All of course to protect him, but fuck that...

But I spent a lot of time being hard on myself. I take responsibility and I can drill it into his or anyone else's head that I "hope we can be friends", but the fact of the matter is that the stubbornness mixed with that sweet indecisiveness is what keeps this in limbo... I know him. He don't know... and his stubbornness says that he won't sit to figure it out, its too easy to say no and too hard to say yes, sooooo..... (shrugs)

Exactly. So what do I do? I've always sat patiently while that man was attempting to figure it out. ALWAYS.... at the dinner table picking steak vs shrimp, niner roll vs eel roll...; blue vs gray; black vs white... satin vs cotton... I was there, calm and alert to his decision, ready to do what I needed to do to make him happy. Am I supposed to do that now? He doesn't seem to care in the same fashion and further, it seems like that will make me one crazy bitch. I don't want to waste my life waiting for him to see the truth and be my friend again. I honestly have lost all but a fraction of hope that he will ever be my friend again.

Jeez... I sound pathetic. I'm not though. I just MISS my friend. I miss him everyday. I cry either a little or a lot everyday. I love him with all my heart and I realize that more than when he was there. I see now that when we were okay, I appreciated him, but I didn't regard him as I did in the beginning or even in February. I fell so hard for him completely in February. HARD. its silly now thinking about it. I was in love and it just got better and better until I got into trouble and it was all tested. And then, it was further tested with what I call my ridiculousness. I could have saved my relationship, but instead I burnt it to the ground. Perhaps thats what was needed. Maybe I needed to start all over. But whatever... I don't care. Can I just get to the part when we are okay again? What page does that fall on?

Twitter

I deleted it for MANY reasons. The important thing here is that it is gone.  I don't have a reason to keep that when I really have so much to do.  I think I will enjoy the extra time I will have! lol, But I'm glad it did when no one was really paying close attention. Its not like I will be missed or anything. I guess now I just need to get rid of ALL my twitter apps on my PC, MAC, Blackberry (both), and iPod. Should be a busy morning. LOL!

She here finally! Dannica Rae, 8lbs 6oz 20inches, beautiful baby with strong vocal cords was born 10/28/09 at 11:10 p.m. PST. I am a happy woman; my best friend brought me joy once again and helped me see more of what I want in life. 

The only thing I am having a hard time dealing with is what the heck to do.  In the past, I was like secondary with the kids; the father wasn't around.  But last night, I had to pull myself from Dannica at the last second because she has a daddy too, the lucky girl. I am so happy for her since my boys really didn't have their real father but now have a dad in Dion. So where does that leave me? The quirky but cool god-mommy, that always gives the cool gifts and has something funny to say still has her title but now channeled in a new direction.  Its time to go hard in building my own future.

As I ride this ridiculously turbulant ride back to Cali, Im listening to my iPod. Hearing these songs from my past hurts like hell. I realize there was  a large incorporation of music in my life with him; a lot reminds me of good; no great times we've shared. Like when I hear Janet and Beyonce, it reminds me of how this man supported Breast Cancer at my behest... He wouldn't have done it, but he supported it because I did. We are talking a virol man with such boundaries, who let go of his inhibitions for me. It just hurts that this same person would choose his ego over me; I know I changed, but I had justification; never saying that made it right, but certainly it should have made it worth a try to mend. 
 
It's a painful process letting go - some days you have it, some days you don't. I'm not going to lie; today I miss him; papi. Made me smile, laugh, etc for almost 4 years. We really made each other different people growing and teaching each other life outside of what we knew before we met. There is so much good that came from this situation - this easy going situation that got extremely complicated as our feelings grew. We were lovers, friends, teammates. Had each other's back through the worst times - well until the worst thing happened to me.

This is the only man that's made me cry with immense pain from the loss of him. I know I will never love that way again. I just can't. It's entirely too painful if I lose it.  So now the tears flow, on this plane; once again. I wish this part could end. I just know one thing: I gotta keep listening to these songs, not to harbor, but rather to build new reminders whenever I hear them. Life has to move on for me.

How does one do away with unnecessary feelings?

Answer these questions to yourself:

Ever grow a comraderie with someone and develop feelings for them that can not be returned?

Ever been wronged by someone or something and want to react so bad, but you know you will be ignored?

Well these questions are so damn lame because you know you can't help how you feel; but it reminds me of being on the road and someone cutting you off; its almost completely unnecessary to act on these feeling by cussing that person out, but still we do it. Having a certain feeling, whether it be bad or good and not being able to express yourself is hard and even harder if its not reciprocated. You wonder what's wrong with you, or what can you do... I find that whenever I see no hope, I do the worse thing and throw the feelings aside and try to make nice with the person in hopes that the feelings will subside. But then I am likely making myself even more vulnerable and so I distance myself from the secret of the entire thing, just to ensure that they are passing feelings - they will pass, I will move on. That usually works.

I make my feelings a personal dispute, but at the same time, I feel the need to make it my responsibility when someone else has feelings for me. Like seriously, I know... I feel foolish admitting this to the masses. I try to be "mean" but I can't if I know their feelings are involved.  I have feelings and I know how I feel being rejected, and I don't want to cause pain or harm to anyone.  But at the same time, I don't like MANY types of people, some of which I cannot even stomach. I guess its a situation where I have to put myself first when its this bad. I'm still learning.

Then of course there are the ones that hurt me and I can't let them know how they made me feel.  Its probably the most gut-wrenching thing when some truly hurt you, but doesn't have the balls to sit and listen and further make peace with their fuck up. I don't even wish I could make them listen, they should WANT to listen if they ever gave a fuck about me. Yes, it STILL hurts like hell.

I guess at some point time really is the savior. But in today's world, where everything is so fast-paced, I cannot help but be a little impatient. I'm sure I'm not alone. But it helps to keep myself occupied to not think of those who have done me wrong, maintain a sense of self as well in dealing with something I don't particularly like and of course, giving myself a chance to get over unnecessary feelings, good or bad, to bring further (re)maturity in dealing with the opposite sex.

Ain't no way

I figured it out. I sat in revelry over this whole situation with regards to a possible love affair that is long lasting. See, I never liked to discuss future type shit, like "when I get married" or "when I have kids" and I think the reason I strayed from it is simply because I didn't want to get myself excited at the prospect. Not to mention, most of the guys I have talked to weren't particularly interested in making plans to marry or have children.  I always just assumed that it wasn't for me; even thinking that perhaps it was more for me to just remain single for the rest of my life.

See, I lost myself some months ago and had to find myself all over again.  Recently, my heart has been jumped on and left for dead too. I've kinda had a urge to be in seclusion because I feel like it was clear that peer to peer abuse is so prevalent.  While I remain friendly and try to help and be the comrade I should be, its not necessarily reciprocated by all my "friends".  People are different, this I know, but the fact remains that I am human, I do have feelings, I have been through A LOT, so please treat me the way I treat you; with some damn respect.

I've gone off into a tangent again... the fact of the matter is that I once believed in love and its possibilities and when a friend came and took my friendship as a weakness and further took my body as a conquest, I lost hope. I lost it all and became confused. In my day to day struggle with coming to terms with what has happened to me; I realize I am not the same person. I hate harder, I care with more passion, I fear less, I harbor more, but most importantly I'm not in tune with my desire - the natural desire - to have the love of a man in my life. Its kind of like a radio dial in between stations - you can hear the music, but its distorted with static.  I really wish that I could love like I once was able to. I really would be happy. But instead, I'm distorted.

One thing...

Unlike the majority of you people, I never say anything on the pretense of attention.  It annoys me when folks, who clearly act or speak out for attention, assume that I am like them. I am not like you. At all. I don't need anyone's attention, so go away with that bullshit.

ugh...

My leg is having another shit fit... there's this pressure in it that is just so fucking annoying! I get angry because when this happens, my feet begin to throb and I know what that means: I'm having yet another circulatory malfunction due to some sugar intake. I hate this! I've worked so hard to stay out of the pre-diabetic range with my ICW levels but still, it happens. My doctor is too dismissive of it too... I just want it to stop. I'm in tears as I write this because I know in my heart that this is the beginning of the end for my leg. I ran track, I played ball... I don't want to question God but damn! Why is this happening to me?

perspective

I come to realize that everyone that has come into my life, has had some purpose... or rather has impacted my life in a way that has help steered me on my own path. I don't regret meeting those people, but I do have this sense of "I wish" in retrospect to just about everyone I have come in contact with over the last year.

"I wish I didn't care"

"I wish he wasn't so inticing"

"I wish she wasn't always right"

"I wish I wasn't so far"

"I wish I never met him. or him"

LOL, of course we all know hindsight is 20/20 but I hate this feeling. I just really wish... sigh.

I thought things would be a lot different then the way they are, but it's just indication that some things are just not meant to be. But what I will say is that I have made an interesting life for myself. I have made and relinquished friendships but all in all, I have learned to be myself and to take myself as I am.