Twitter

I deleted it for MANY reasons. The important thing here is that it is gone.  I don't have a reason to keep that when I really have so much to do.  I think I will enjoy the extra time I will have! lol, But I'm glad it did when no one was really paying close attention. Its not like I will be missed or anything. I guess now I just need to get rid of ALL my twitter apps on my PC, MAC, Blackberry (both), and iPod. Should be a busy morning. LOL!

She here finally! Dannica Rae, 8lbs 6oz 20inches, beautiful baby with strong vocal cords was born 10/28/09 at 11:10 p.m. PST. I am a happy woman; my best friend brought me joy once again and helped me see more of what I want in life. 

The only thing I am having a hard time dealing with is what the heck to do.  In the past, I was like secondary with the kids; the father wasn't around.  But last night, I had to pull myself from Dannica at the last second because she has a daddy too, the lucky girl. I am so happy for her since my boys really didn't have their real father but now have a dad in Dion. So where does that leave me? The quirky but cool god-mommy, that always gives the cool gifts and has something funny to say still has her title but now channeled in a new direction.  Its time to go hard in building my own future.

As I ride this ridiculously turbulant ride back to Cali, Im listening to my iPod. Hearing these songs from my past hurts like hell. I realize there was  a large incorporation of music in my life with him; a lot reminds me of good; no great times we've shared. Like when I hear Janet and Beyonce, it reminds me of how this man supported Breast Cancer at my behest... He wouldn't have done it, but he supported it because I did. We are talking a virol man with such boundaries, who let go of his inhibitions for me. It just hurts that this same person would choose his ego over me; I know I changed, but I had justification; never saying that made it right, but certainly it should have made it worth a try to mend. 
 
It's a painful process letting go - some days you have it, some days you don't. I'm not going to lie; today I miss him; papi. Made me smile, laugh, etc for almost 4 years. We really made each other different people growing and teaching each other life outside of what we knew before we met. There is so much good that came from this situation - this easy going situation that got extremely complicated as our feelings grew. We were lovers, friends, teammates. Had each other's back through the worst times - well until the worst thing happened to me.

This is the only man that's made me cry with immense pain from the loss of him. I know I will never love that way again. I just can't. It's entirely too painful if I lose it.  So now the tears flow, on this plane; once again. I wish this part could end. I just know one thing: I gotta keep listening to these songs, not to harbor, but rather to build new reminders whenever I hear them. Life has to move on for me.

How does one do away with unnecessary feelings?

Answer these questions to yourself:

Ever grow a comraderie with someone and develop feelings for them that can not be returned?

Ever been wronged by someone or something and want to react so bad, but you know you will be ignored?

Well these questions are so damn lame because you know you can't help how you feel; but it reminds me of being on the road and someone cutting you off; its almost completely unnecessary to act on these feeling by cussing that person out, but still we do it. Having a certain feeling, whether it be bad or good and not being able to express yourself is hard and even harder if its not reciprocated. You wonder what's wrong with you, or what can you do... I find that whenever I see no hope, I do the worse thing and throw the feelings aside and try to make nice with the person in hopes that the feelings will subside. But then I am likely making myself even more vulnerable and so I distance myself from the secret of the entire thing, just to ensure that they are passing feelings - they will pass, I will move on. That usually works.

I make my feelings a personal dispute, but at the same time, I feel the need to make it my responsibility when someone else has feelings for me. Like seriously, I know... I feel foolish admitting this to the masses. I try to be "mean" but I can't if I know their feelings are involved.  I have feelings and I know how I feel being rejected, and I don't want to cause pain or harm to anyone.  But at the same time, I don't like MANY types of people, some of which I cannot even stomach. I guess its a situation where I have to put myself first when its this bad. I'm still learning.

Then of course there are the ones that hurt me and I can't let them know how they made me feel.  Its probably the most gut-wrenching thing when some truly hurt you, but doesn't have the balls to sit and listen and further make peace with their fuck up. I don't even wish I could make them listen, they should WANT to listen if they ever gave a fuck about me. Yes, it STILL hurts like hell.

I guess at some point time really is the savior. But in today's world, where everything is so fast-paced, I cannot help but be a little impatient. I'm sure I'm not alone. But it helps to keep myself occupied to not think of those who have done me wrong, maintain a sense of self as well in dealing with something I don't particularly like and of course, giving myself a chance to get over unnecessary feelings, good or bad, to bring further (re)maturity in dealing with the opposite sex.

Ain't no way

I figured it out. I sat in revelry over this whole situation with regards to a possible love affair that is long lasting. See, I never liked to discuss future type shit, like "when I get married" or "when I have kids" and I think the reason I strayed from it is simply because I didn't want to get myself excited at the prospect. Not to mention, most of the guys I have talked to weren't particularly interested in making plans to marry or have children.  I always just assumed that it wasn't for me; even thinking that perhaps it was more for me to just remain single for the rest of my life.

See, I lost myself some months ago and had to find myself all over again.  Recently, my heart has been jumped on and left for dead too. I've kinda had a urge to be in seclusion because I feel like it was clear that peer to peer abuse is so prevalent.  While I remain friendly and try to help and be the comrade I should be, its not necessarily reciprocated by all my "friends".  People are different, this I know, but the fact remains that I am human, I do have feelings, I have been through A LOT, so please treat me the way I treat you; with some damn respect.

I've gone off into a tangent again... the fact of the matter is that I once believed in love and its possibilities and when a friend came and took my friendship as a weakness and further took my body as a conquest, I lost hope. I lost it all and became confused. In my day to day struggle with coming to terms with what has happened to me; I realize I am not the same person. I hate harder, I care with more passion, I fear less, I harbor more, but most importantly I'm not in tune with my desire - the natural desire - to have the love of a man in my life. Its kind of like a radio dial in between stations - you can hear the music, but its distorted with static.  I really wish that I could love like I once was able to. I really would be happy. But instead, I'm distorted.

One thing...

Unlike the majority of you people, I never say anything on the pretense of attention.  It annoys me when folks, who clearly act or speak out for attention, assume that I am like them. I am not like you. At all. I don't need anyone's attention, so go away with that bullshit.

ugh...

My leg is having another shit fit... there's this pressure in it that is just so fucking annoying! I get angry because when this happens, my feet begin to throb and I know what that means: I'm having yet another circulatory malfunction due to some sugar intake. I hate this! I've worked so hard to stay out of the pre-diabetic range with my ICW levels but still, it happens. My doctor is too dismissive of it too... I just want it to stop. I'm in tears as I write this because I know in my heart that this is the beginning of the end for my leg. I ran track, I played ball... I don't want to question God but damn! Why is this happening to me?

perspective

I come to realize that everyone that has come into my life, has had some purpose... or rather has impacted my life in a way that has help steered me on my own path. I don't regret meeting those people, but I do have this sense of "I wish" in retrospect to just about everyone I have come in contact with over the last year.

"I wish I didn't care"

"I wish he wasn't so inticing"

"I wish she wasn't always right"

"I wish I wasn't so far"

"I wish I never met him. or him"

LOL, of course we all know hindsight is 20/20 but I hate this feeling. I just really wish... sigh.

I thought things would be a lot different then the way they are, but it's just indication that some things are just not meant to be. But what I will say is that I have made an interesting life for myself. I have made and relinquished friendships but all in all, I have learned to be myself and to take myself as I am.