irritated...

I probably shouldn't be irritated at all but I am. Its really nothing but I just need to get this shit off my chest because then it will make sense.

So many months ago, I allowed myself to befriend Corry because he nagged and wanted to know about me. I fought hard to have nothing to do with him but he was insistent with his curiosity seeing that am nearly 11 years older than him and I let him and his friends in my world. Things were cool, but I realized early on that while I let this dude in my world, he did not let me into his. He kept me like some sort of secret which perplexed me because we were supposed to be friends. I allowed him to be my friend and I let his ways open me up as I have been closed off for over a year. But I felt if I was going to open myself up, than he should do the same... well the situation changed because he began treating me like I was some sort of jump off... worse, his friend caught wind of this faux pas and not realizing it, he followed suit as though we were in the starring roles of the video "Ain't No Fun". WTF? I thought we were friends. There is no reason in the world why I would have opened up to a 20 year old unless I thought he was worthy.

The worst part was I told him my feelings, asked for a difference, wanted to be treated like a friend, not a fuck... can we just kick it? Can we go bowling? lmao I mean damn... I was starting to wonder if he was ashamed of me; ashamed of being my friend because I am so much older. This whole thing had become such a mess because of its obvious misinterpretation and then adding insult to injury, he can kick it with other people at the drop of a hat, but not me? I know I sound childish but I closed my doors to friends in Sacramento. I was alone in this shit, and he ASKED me to open up. I did, but surely he would see that meant I HAVE NO OTHER CLOSE FRIENDS OUT HERE.

I feel played. I feel hella duped. I feel like as though I was used all summer long.... with the lack of fun things to do, a 20 year old would have a blast with the inclusion of free alcohol, games and laughs. I dunno... I guess I should have known that deductive reasoning isn't at its best for someone that much younger than me. I guess I should have realized that you cannot exactly be a friend someone who is incapable of doing right by you. I should have seen what I was doing was setting myself up for disappointment. Putting my trust into someone who is still learning to trust himself... are you serious Mo?? Even as I type this, he cannot begin to take me seriously. What was I thinking?