irritated...

I probably shouldn't be irritated at all but I am. Its really nothing but I just need to get this shit off my chest because then it will make sense.

So many months ago, I allowed myself to befriend Corry because he nagged and wanted to know about me. I fought hard to have nothing to do with him but he was insistent with his curiosity seeing that am nearly 11 years older than him and I let him and his friends in my world. Things were cool, but I realized early on that while I let this dude in my world, he did not let me into his. He kept me like some sort of secret which perplexed me because we were supposed to be friends. I allowed him to be my friend and I let his ways open me up as I have been closed off for over a year. But I felt if I was going to open myself up, than he should do the same... well the situation changed because he began treating me like I was some sort of jump off... worse, his friend caught wind of this faux pas and not realizing it, he followed suit as though we were in the starring roles of the video "Ain't No Fun". WTF? I thought we were friends. There is no reason in the world why I would have opened up to a 20 year old unless I thought he was worthy.

The worst part was I told him my feelings, asked for a difference, wanted to be treated like a friend, not a fuck... can we just kick it? Can we go bowling? lmao I mean damn... I was starting to wonder if he was ashamed of me; ashamed of being my friend because I am so much older. This whole thing had become such a mess because of its obvious misinterpretation and then adding insult to injury, he can kick it with other people at the drop of a hat, but not me? I know I sound childish but I closed my doors to friends in Sacramento. I was alone in this shit, and he ASKED me to open up. I did, but surely he would see that meant I HAVE NO OTHER CLOSE FRIENDS OUT HERE.

I feel played. I feel hella duped. I feel like as though I was used all summer long.... with the lack of fun things to do, a 20 year old would have a blast with the inclusion of free alcohol, games and laughs. I dunno... I guess I should have known that deductive reasoning isn't at its best for someone that much younger than me. I guess I should have realized that you cannot exactly be a friend someone who is incapable of doing right by you. I should have seen what I was doing was setting myself up for disappointment. Putting my trust into someone who is still learning to trust himself... are you serious Mo?? Even as I type this, he cannot begin to take me seriously. What was I thinking?

So here it is, the eve of my 31st birthday. I honestly thought that this day would bring sadness and unsettled feelings. I was of course half right. See its this time of peace and calm before a huge moment takes place when I do the most thinking.  Of course I should be unsettled with all before me, but as well I feel a sense of relief and atonement. Last year about this time, I was crying my heart out. I was alone, in a new city, missing my family and friends and hurt about my fresh ex. I had one friend in Sacramento, who unfortunately was way too caught up in her own foolery to be beneficial for me. I shut myself out completely from about 90 percent of my friends and family because of my separation from loved ones; I had severe trust issues because I felt bamboozled by those who claimed to be real and good for me, as well as my own guilt, anxiety, and frustration with myself due to previous happenings already disclosed. While there were these highs and lows, I promised myself on my 30th that this year was going to be a new beginning, I was going to make my life better.

Overall, this year brought a lot of interesting experiences. I witnessed the birth of Dannica, went on a few trips, met a lot of new people and began a few good friendships. I also lost friendships, lost quite a few family members, I lost site of what better was for my own good as opposed to better to me at the time. But I believe that I lived and I learned. I made tough decisions about my life but the good thing is that I made these decisions for me, my good, myself. I have lived my life for others for years and this was really the first time I felt like everything was solely for my own personal growth. I didn't do as great as I thought I could with my decision making for me, but once again, I lived and I learned. I wouldn't take back anything.

One major turn in my life is realizing my potential as a friend to myself. I always thought that if I was really anyone's friend, that my flaws would be accepted and protected, but now I see that as a bit of an excuse. I realize that flaws are accepted, but if its yourself that sees them, you ought to change them, not build them up as "thats just me." Believe it or not, this lesson came from befriending a 20 year old man - Corry. Im not sure if he will ever know that because of that lesson, I adhered to my plan to be a better woman. Not to mention that it was this friendship that opened me back up to communicate with those I love. There is a gratitude that I have for someone who was just himself and gave me such a huge gift. I can love my friends again.

I have a lot of love and gratitude to those who stuck by my side during this year. It was a hard year for me and honestly, my mother Kelly, my cousins Carmella and Makita, my sisters Melissa and Davi, and of course my niece Malaiha stuck by my side. Jesse tirelessly listened to countless nights of me crying about my changes and he stuck by my side as well.  Beth was always an ear as well and put her heart into my emotions as a friend should. Nineveh cheerleaded all my efforts to be better in life. Nikki woke my dramatically fun spirit in me. Kisha made me think of my endless possibilities while keeping a firm grasp on reality. Carmen reminded me that I am still someone that leaves a lasting impression. Arecia made sure I knew to keep my head up. Mariela always gave great advice and supreme understanding. Mamie's laugh alone made me feel like I was alive again. Relating to Danielle (Disco Mar) and her relating to me was what I truly NEEDED from my friend and I love her for that. And Kiki, the one that propelled me as a kid, the one who gave me 3 reasons to love unconditionally without even realizing it, gave me the huge lesson of loss without death. And of course the other great friends, associates whatever, with wisdom and resourceful insight, its appreciated for all you've given me. You didn't know you were helping me with some of the hardest times of my life, but I thank you immensely. These lessons take me into being 31 years old, not hardly a milestone in the conventional sense, but definitely a milestone for me. My first year of taking care of me proved to be so much. I love all that I learned, and I am excited for what is next to come.

Happy Birthday to me :)

yes...

This moment could not have come sooner. The feeling of release and contentment; it's a feeling I have yearned and desired since this time begun. I think of my struggles and how I foolishly assumed that a man would be there for me. The hardships I faced, the case I caught, the emotional pain associated with being taken advantage of and all through it, I expected the man whose back I had effortlessly would do the same in return. I was wrong and I struggled with that and wanted reasons for his departure. I took almost a year crying - profusely - searching for answers for the way things had become. Everything I did reminded me of what WE did and it hurt me to think of all our various memories and be painfully reminded that it's all over. 

So pathetic, but I realize it was necessary for me. I love how God takes you through lessons of love and life. I realized that if you pay attention, you retain the best way to learn that time heals all wounds. And in the end, i can surmise that I have been blessed with loving someone; I adored the former; I took all his good with his bad, I taught him how to make the best out of life and he taught me a distinctive method in to making my way through life. I appreciate all I have learned and I'll take my lessons learned with me onto the next venture, if that happens. Further I'm blessed for these lessons learned without marriage or children; I'm sure that would prolong the disillusionment and keep me anchored to something toxic.

Anyway, it's over, I'm done. I have no more tears to shed; "he" today isn't worth one. This feels awesome. I love me more today. I can say I've a accomplished a huge feat. I know I'll have bad moments but the good part is they will pass. I have enough faith that they will keep moving. Thank you God. You're always good and always on time.

just thought of something...

I never got my cake!!! :(

working on it...

I was listening to this song by Wale with Marsha Ambrosius called Diary and it was literally speaking from my heart from just a year, month, shit, a week ago... crazy how music can really do it for you...


I wonder why, I sit and cry, 
Wish i could shed all these tears, 
Im down and out, 
I'll keep on moving and tryna get out, 
I dont know how to move on, 
Where i went wrong, 
I wish i could live with no fear, 
So down and out, 
I'll keep it moving and tryna get out, 
Somehow.


I refuse to stay stagnant... I have to move and the desperation to move has been real within me for a year almost. I've been channeling my needs on the things I can actually tackle; my schooling, my credit, my personal growth and financial strength. All these things are moving, thankfully, but of course there is one part of this puzzle that cannot be tackled... I can't seem to even get myself to even really LIKE a potential suitor. I've met guys that would be good for me but I don't want THEM. They aren't for me... they don't have the quality that threw me head over heels for the former... that unexplained beauty that did it for me. The intent to get me to love them is definitely there, and because I am not receptive to it, I find myself hanging out with Corry and his friends. I don't want a love affair I don't agree with, so with them I just have fun; no responsibility of a love anything... just ridiculous and almost juvenile fun. Well shit... better than being a runaway bride, right??


I miss the former EVERYDAY! He was such a staple in my life. Tired of going places, seeing things and naturally make the connection to him... but God Thank you for giving me him for the time I did. I was truly happy. I guess its just what it is... he's gone, but I'm not gone from the world... I gotta MOVE... I gotta keep PUSHIN... like Sally Fields said "I got this one life, this one body" LMAO gotta work with what you got and make that shit work. I'm working on it... 

untitled

Its been a minute... lots of catching up to do, but I have to do this first because it the most important.

This afternoon I was reading this article online about a man who was killed on I-80 last night in Albany and my mind immediately needed to learn the details of the story. What I didn't know at the time was the man who died was Miles Washington, husband to my play sister. It was hurtful to read it as this unknown anonymous person when that person has a family, has friends, has an identity. It hurts to know that my sis is in an immense amount of pain and regret over the loss of her husband, her friend, her family. Regret is hard to overcome and it is a work in progress to handle if you have a conscience or strong morals and/or beliefs.

I have been sitting here, wondering about my own situation, my own regrets with regards to the one I was last in love with. So imperial how he is now just a memory, but what lies within those memories are an abundance of great times, love, friendship, regard, fights, mean/hurtful words said, and abandonment. I wish we could have gotten through the worst and ended up as friends. Despite anything negative I have said, I never meant for it to be our undoing.I can't change the past though... I can just say that I will always love you friend, and if something ever happened to me or you, I want us to go knowing that I love you and that I never meant to hurt you. Never meant to bring the worst out of our friendship but rather the best and that I am sorry I failed.

I just needed to get that out. I needed to say that because our days aren't promised. RIP Miles... your love you gave to Maria will always be cherished.

foolish me... not anymore

I'm going to say this once... I've done things that I regret; said things I shouldn't have... but in the end, I always believed that people will know who I am and not judge me. This world is full of judgmental people though; my dad is, best friends are, formers are as well. I've went into so many situations with false pretenses but now I see... none of it matters; your words don't mean shit because in the end, I am alone in the world. I have to take care of me... I'm getting those good grades; those two degrees. I'm seeing the world and what it has to offer. I'm attaining my goals I have set for myself in life and in the end, I will reap the benefits.

There is somethings that I have to keep in mind as I see little things reminding me of my past. I am better than my past. All of it. Yes there were great times, but I am better than that. It was hard, but the past is just that. Its over and done. I admit that it will be hard sometimes to not want go back, but I know I can't. Where there lies that old happiness, also lies pain. Not to mention, living in the past because I didn't want to let go creates havoc and makes me look ridiculous. So, I'm officially over it.

Goodbye.