foolish me... not anymore

I'm going to say this once... I've done things that I regret; said things I shouldn't have... but in the end, I always believed that people will know who I am and not judge me. This world is full of judgmental people though; my dad is, best friends are, formers are as well. I've went into so many situations with false pretenses but now I see... none of it matters; your words don't mean shit because in the end, I am alone in the world. I have to take care of me... I'm getting those good grades; those two degrees. I'm seeing the world and what it has to offer. I'm attaining my goals I have set for myself in life and in the end, I will reap the benefits.

There is somethings that I have to keep in mind as I see little things reminding me of my past. I am better than my past. All of it. Yes there were great times, but I am better than that. It was hard, but the past is just that. Its over and done. I admit that it will be hard sometimes to not want go back, but I know I can't. Where there lies that old happiness, also lies pain. Not to mention, living in the past because I didn't want to let go creates havoc and makes me look ridiculous. So, I'm officially over it.

Goodbye.

UHHHH!!!

It was three weeks ago when I shamelessly expressed my feelings on you and HELL YEAH they have changed.  In the beginning I thought you had such potential to become an ally of mine.  I had an interesting amount of respect for you and your sweetness was very refreshing to me. But I don't like you! lmao, now I just think you are okay cuz I still don't really fuckin know you! lmao.  The fact of the matter is guys regularly chase after me, but you dont and that bothers me! You don't even try to be my friend. :( I fuckin liked you and broke my "Like Heart"... you even left me on BBM! hmph!!

LMAO Naw, just kidding.  Really, not much has changed... I still don't know you, but I still want to get to know you. I hope that before I leave to PDX, we can hang out. I don't have any interest other than appeasing my own curiosity and I hope that is still cool with you. You're still sweet to me, you're still funny, you're still really lighthearted and you still bring out the silly little kid in me. Its just more enduring and brings a greater appreciation given the fact that I am going through a rough part of my life. So... you're still "in there like swimwear" but hanging by thread cuz you fucked up AND you didn't bring me my cake. Get it together baby... lmao

Sick and Tired.

so yeah, here I am... in tears. What else is new? I have never cried so much in all my life. I am sick... sick to the point of pain and I have no sense of comfort around me. Between allergies, ICW levels on the fringe, coughing, and sore throat, I just would have loved some sort of help today. But no... now before I get ahead of myself I have key points to be made.

1) My obvious frustration with being sick is simple... I used to not care if anyone was there but in this last year, with all the emotional turmoil I have been facing, it all matters to me now. I hate how my life has been so squandered and changed on behalf of the crap I endured almost a year ago. In the past, when I was sick, there was a bevy of people to help me get through... I had my parents around, my male companion there and I had my friends. I don't have that anymore. Because I don't open myself up to many people anymore, I don't have friends here in Sacramento. And because my first known father doesn't care about me anymore, I have little to no family support up here as well.

2) All weekend, there has been enormous discussion on men, on how worthless they are, how much they create the pain women endure and further how they are to be used for self promotion or self discovery or just plain out attention. I choose to listen, only because I am the type to be an ear for my friends, but also to understand a woman's plight. I generally don't blame Ahmed for all of my heartache, and I don't blame the fucktard who disrespected me for my inability to open up to many people. I don't blame no man for shit and its probably because I hope to see them in a better light than that's casted upon them. Take Corry for instance: young man, does little to nothing in search of his own empowerment because he believes he has it already. I see him for that, but to my friends he is seen as someone toying with my kindness, taking me for granted, all for his own personal gain to say he could get a 30 year old. Wow... see thats deep. Too bad I don't think that damn hard.

3) Blaming Ahmed for anything is almost impossible with the exception of what his abandonment has caused me. He left at the pinnacle of the most trying time of my life. I needed my love. I needed my man at that moment and he hopped out on me because he didn't believe me. I gave him my trust... TRUST is so damn huge with me. I told him I trusted him with my LIFE. I have NEVER said that before. EVER. How dare he leave me... to make matters worse, I am now going through the emotional roller coaster of prosecution AND probation and I have no one. I will not allow people to get too close to me BECAUSE I am still hurt.

4) I have TRIED to allow closeness from friends... TRIED to make new friends... and what have they ALL done? Show me the same symptoms of abandonment. The truth is I am reading into things that people do in relation to what has been done to me... I really don't want anything negative to happen to me twice so I opt to run AND get extremely saddened when I notice it. The most fucked off part about the whole thing is my heart won't allow me to quit; I desperately want resolution in my mind and I believe that if I just tried harder, then people will see me for who I am. It ends up a fruitless effort because I just come off needy and desperate for THEM and they run. They dont want me... and here come that abandonment I try so hard to avoid.  (I must say I am crying typing my truth right now...) I see myself as incredibly immobile; stagnant and hoping for an answer. I'm lost in my own pain with regards to last year. Picking up these pieces are HARD; the pieces are tiny.

Bawlling and not eating is certainly not cool. I just wish I had a better avenue to take... I wish I had friends that weren't so disillusioned with what my life was, but be enchanted by what I am working for. I want some peace of mind. I want some company... Shit I want some tissue.

But seriously, I need help. Clearly.

carrying on

Taking my time to fulfill myself in every since of the word... I think I have full use of my heart still, I just have no desire to hand it over to someone - especially if they are not worthy of my time, space and energy.  Its easy to get into my bed... have no reservations or inhibitions. Give a man the touch of me and make then fell me from the inside and savor each inch of me physically... not sure why that is so easy, but thats me. But to let someone get near me on an emotional level is difficult and ill of rewards. I have loved and lost. Its funny because through my conversation with my cousin, she spoke of how lucky I am to have had real love, someone who spoke to my soul and love my heart. I am... I am lucky someone looked at me and smiled... watched me work, watched me cook, watched me sleep and hold me while I did so... its one of those things that when I think about it... I must of broke his heart, just the same way he broke mine... 

At the same time, thinking even further back, the love I had was young, but very real.. I had regard but I am eternally blessed with the fact that he didn't leave. He's still my friend. I still have that ability to love him with all my heart, and he is the man that really taught me and prepared me to love my ex. ugh... I hate these moments... yearning for that love again. I must not deserve it now... instead I have uncertainty, broken promises, side-eyes, confusion, and other ways to prepare me for the next. And whats next? Not the one with the kids, not the one with the age-old crush, not the one that calls me telling me how much he wants me, not the one from my town, and certainly not that young one. But these cards are more than mechanisms to prepare myself for my future, I adore who I know for the fact that I am learning, but also because I think they are learning from me too... its easy to respect someone who has an open mind and is eager to learn. 

HA! I just had a thought about that young one... whatta crazy premise to do what my ex did to me so many years ago... I was 18 and he was 29 when we first really got "close". In my convo with him, he believes firming in paying it forward... I served so much for my ex, as he did for me... Would if I would be so inclined?   Would I feel the same fulfillment then? Probably not.. But I certainly would not go against trying that one out... 

And what about my sweetheart? the obvious choice... the one that makes me smile and hugs me tight. I'm not ready. Its just that fuckin simple. He knows it... he looks at me and sees it in my eyes. I know he sees that my love is masked. But neither is he. I have to admit that hurts though.

I'm doing what I didn't want to do... carrying on... I want to love, I want to lust, I just want to move. I need to move and learn to be open again, at least. I lust, but only in the privacy of my mind. I used to be a beast... where is she? Love for me will have its day. Right?

blog about you... yeah you.

Well.... I mean what do you want me to say? Yeah you are cute, funny as hell, kinda sweet, but because I have so much to learn about you, its hard to write about you... You right now bring out the kid in me; which is fun most of the time. I appreciate the fact that you don't seem to try too hard to do anything but at the same time, I don't like that almost evasive quality about you at all. You make me wanna slap you because you are missing out on fun time... but that is really on you.

I like you so far, but you suck... But its whatever... I'm thinking that being anything like that is not required for you and I. You're cool with me... just don't fuck up... and bring me my cake.

well...

Just going to say that that hurt my feelings. I made an effort to befriend people and was shot to the left... maybe Im uninteresting to you or not enough of whatever... I can't believe that I always stand firm in being nice, being real, being a friend, but its never returned. I think today is the day I learn to be better to myself... I don't need to encourage you... to help you... to believe in you because you are well taken care of. Its really whatever. I guess.