I probably shouldn't be irritated at all but I am. Its really nothing but I just need to get this shit off my chest because then it will make sense.
So many months ago, I allowed myself to befriend Corry because he nagged and wanted to know about me. I fought hard to have nothing to do with him but he was insistent with his curiosity seeing that am nearly 11 years older than him and I let him and his friends in my world. Things were cool, but I realized early on that while I let this dude in my world, he did not let me into his. He kept me like some sort of secret which perplexed me because we were supposed to be friends. I allowed him to be my friend and I let his ways open me up as I have been closed off for over a year. But I felt if I was going to open myself up, than he should do the same... well the situation changed because he began treating me like I was some sort of jump off... worse, his friend caught wind of this faux pas and not realizing it, he followed suit as though we were in the starring roles of the video "Ain't No Fun". WTF? I thought we were friends. There is no reason in the world why I would have opened up to a 20 year old unless I thought he was worthy.
The worst part was I told him my feelings, asked for a difference, wanted to be treated like a friend, not a fuck... can we just kick it? Can we go bowling? lmao I mean damn... I was starting to wonder if he was ashamed of me; ashamed of being my friend because I am so much older. This whole thing had become such a mess because of its obvious misinterpretation and then adding insult to injury, he can kick it with other people at the drop of a hat, but not me? I know I sound childish but I closed my doors to friends in Sacramento. I was alone in this shit, and he ASKED me to open up. I did, but surely he would see that meant I HAVE NO OTHER CLOSE FRIENDS OUT HERE.
I feel played. I feel hella duped. I feel like as though I was used all summer long.... with the lack of fun things to do, a 20 year old would have a blast with the inclusion of free alcohol, games and laughs. I dunno... I guess I should have known that deductive reasoning isn't at its best for someone that much younger than me. I guess I should have realized that you cannot exactly be a friend someone who is incapable of doing right by you. I should have seen what I was doing was setting myself up for disappointment. Putting my trust into someone who is still learning to trust himself... are you serious Mo?? Even as I type this, he cannot begin to take me seriously. What was I thinking?
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
So here it is, the eve of my 31st birthday. I honestly thought that this day would bring sadness and unsettled feelings. I was of course half right. See its this time of peace and calm before a huge moment takes place when I do the most thinking. Of course I should be unsettled with all before me, but as well I feel a sense of relief and atonement. Last year about this time, I was crying my heart out. I was alone, in a new city, missing my family and friends and hurt about my fresh ex. I had one friend in Sacramento, who unfortunately was way too caught up in her own foolery to be beneficial for me. I shut myself out completely from about 90 percent of my friends and family because of my separation from loved ones; I had severe trust issues because I felt bamboozled by those who claimed to be real and good for me, as well as my own guilt, anxiety, and frustration with myself due to previous happenings already disclosed. While there were these highs and lows, I promised myself on my 30th that this year was going to be a new beginning, I was going to make my life better.
Overall, this year brought a lot of interesting experiences. I witnessed the birth of Dannica, went on a few trips, met a lot of new people and began a few good friendships. I also lost friendships, lost quite a few family members, I lost site of what better was for my own good as opposed to better to me at the time. But I believe that I lived and I learned. I made tough decisions about my life but the good thing is that I made these decisions for me, my good, myself. I have lived my life for others for years and this was really the first time I felt like everything was solely for my own personal growth. I didn't do as great as I thought I could with my decision making for me, but once again, I lived and I learned. I wouldn't take back anything.
One major turn in my life is realizing my potential as a friend to myself. I always thought that if I was really anyone's friend, that my flaws would be accepted and protected, but now I see that as a bit of an excuse. I realize that flaws are accepted, but if its yourself that sees them, you ought to change them, not build them up as "thats just me." Believe it or not, this lesson came from befriending a 20 year old man - Corry. Im not sure if he will ever know that because of that lesson, I adhered to my plan to be a better woman. Not to mention that it was this friendship that opened me back up to communicate with those I love. There is a gratitude that I have for someone who was just himself and gave me such a huge gift. I can love my friends again.
I have a lot of love and gratitude to those who stuck by my side during this year. It was a hard year for me and honestly, my mother Kelly, my cousins Carmella and Makita, my sisters Melissa and Davi, and of course my niece Malaiha stuck by my side. Jesse tirelessly listened to countless nights of me crying about my changes and he stuck by my side as well. Beth was always an ear as well and put her heart into my emotions as a friend should. Nineveh cheerleaded all my efforts to be better in life. Nikki woke my dramatically fun spirit in me. Kisha made me think of my endless possibilities while keeping a firm grasp on reality. Carmen reminded me that I am still someone that leaves a lasting impression. Arecia made sure I knew to keep my head up. Mariela always gave great advice and supreme understanding. Mamie's laugh alone made me feel like I was alive again. Relating to Danielle (Disco Mar) and her relating to me was what I truly NEEDED from my friend and I love her for that. And Kiki, the one that propelled me as a kid, the one who gave me 3 reasons to love unconditionally without even realizing it, gave me the huge lesson of loss without death. And of course the other great friends, associates whatever, with wisdom and resourceful insight, its appreciated for all you've given me. You didn't know you were helping me with some of the hardest times of my life, but I thank you immensely. These lessons take me into being 31 years old, not hardly a milestone in the conventional sense, but definitely a milestone for me. My first year of taking care of me proved to be so much. I love all that I learned, and I am excited for what is next to come.
Happy Birthday to me :)
Overall, this year brought a lot of interesting experiences. I witnessed the birth of Dannica, went on a few trips, met a lot of new people and began a few good friendships. I also lost friendships, lost quite a few family members, I lost site of what better was for my own good as opposed to better to me at the time. But I believe that I lived and I learned. I made tough decisions about my life but the good thing is that I made these decisions for me, my good, myself. I have lived my life for others for years and this was really the first time I felt like everything was solely for my own personal growth. I didn't do as great as I thought I could with my decision making for me, but once again, I lived and I learned. I wouldn't take back anything.
One major turn in my life is realizing my potential as a friend to myself. I always thought that if I was really anyone's friend, that my flaws would be accepted and protected, but now I see that as a bit of an excuse. I realize that flaws are accepted, but if its yourself that sees them, you ought to change them, not build them up as "thats just me." Believe it or not, this lesson came from befriending a 20 year old man - Corry. Im not sure if he will ever know that because of that lesson, I adhered to my plan to be a better woman. Not to mention that it was this friendship that opened me back up to communicate with those I love. There is a gratitude that I have for someone who was just himself and gave me such a huge gift. I can love my friends again.
I have a lot of love and gratitude to those who stuck by my side during this year. It was a hard year for me and honestly, my mother Kelly, my cousins Carmella and Makita, my sisters Melissa and Davi, and of course my niece Malaiha stuck by my side. Jesse tirelessly listened to countless nights of me crying about my changes and he stuck by my side as well. Beth was always an ear as well and put her heart into my emotions as a friend should. Nineveh cheerleaded all my efforts to be better in life. Nikki woke my dramatically fun spirit in me. Kisha made me think of my endless possibilities while keeping a firm grasp on reality. Carmen reminded me that I am still someone that leaves a lasting impression. Arecia made sure I knew to keep my head up. Mariela always gave great advice and supreme understanding. Mamie's laugh alone made me feel like I was alive again. Relating to Danielle (Disco Mar) and her relating to me was what I truly NEEDED from my friend and I love her for that. And Kiki, the one that propelled me as a kid, the one who gave me 3 reasons to love unconditionally without even realizing it, gave me the huge lesson of loss without death. And of course the other great friends, associates whatever, with wisdom and resourceful insight, its appreciated for all you've given me. You didn't know you were helping me with some of the hardest times of my life, but I thank you immensely. These lessons take me into being 31 years old, not hardly a milestone in the conventional sense, but definitely a milestone for me. My first year of taking care of me proved to be so much. I love all that I learned, and I am excited for what is next to come.
Happy Birthday to me :)
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
yes...
This moment could not have come sooner. The feeling of release and contentment; it's a feeling I have yearned and desired since this time begun. I think of my struggles and how I foolishly assumed that a man would be there for me. The hardships I faced, the case I caught, the emotional pain associated with being taken advantage of and all through it, I expected the man whose back I had effortlessly would do the same in return. I was wrong and I struggled with that and wanted reasons for his departure. I took almost a year crying - profusely - searching for answers for the way things had become. Everything I did reminded me of what WE did and it hurt me to think of all our various memories and be painfully reminded that it's all over.
So pathetic, but I realize it was necessary for me. I love how God takes you through lessons of love and life. I realized that if you pay attention, you retain the best way to learn that time heals all wounds. And in the end, i can surmise that I have been blessed with loving someone; I adored the former; I took all his good with his bad, I taught him how to make the best out of life and he taught me a distinctive method in to making my way through life. I appreciate all I have learned and I'll take my lessons learned with me onto the next venture, if that happens. Further I'm blessed for these lessons learned without marriage or children; I'm sure that would prolong the disillusionment and keep me anchored to something toxic.
Anyway, it's over, I'm done. I have no more tears to shed; "he" today isn't worth one. This feels awesome. I love me more today. I can say I've a accomplished a huge feat. I know I'll have bad moments but the good part is they will pass. I have enough faith that they will keep moving. Thank you God. You're always good and always on time.
So pathetic, but I realize it was necessary for me. I love how God takes you through lessons of love and life. I realized that if you pay attention, you retain the best way to learn that time heals all wounds. And in the end, i can surmise that I have been blessed with loving someone; I adored the former; I took all his good with his bad, I taught him how to make the best out of life and he taught me a distinctive method in to making my way through life. I appreciate all I have learned and I'll take my lessons learned with me onto the next venture, if that happens. Further I'm blessed for these lessons learned without marriage or children; I'm sure that would prolong the disillusionment and keep me anchored to something toxic.
Anyway, it's over, I'm done. I have no more tears to shed; "he" today isn't worth one. This feels awesome. I love me more today. I can say I've a accomplished a huge feat. I know I'll have bad moments but the good part is they will pass. I have enough faith that they will keep moving. Thank you God. You're always good and always on time.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
working on it...
I was listening to this song by Wale with Marsha Ambrosius called Diary and it was literally speaking from my heart from just a year, month, shit, a week ago... crazy how music can really do it for you...
I wonder why, I sit and cry,
Wish i could shed all these tears,
Im down and out,
I'll keep on moving and tryna get out,
I dont know how to move on,
Where i went wrong,
I wish i could live with no fear,
So down and out,
I'll keep it moving and tryna get out,
Somehow.
I refuse to stay stagnant... I have to move and the desperation to move has been real within me for a year almost. I've been channeling my needs on the things I can actually tackle; my schooling, my credit, my personal growth and financial strength. All these things are moving, thankfully, but of course there is one part of this puzzle that cannot be tackled... I can't seem to even get myself to even really LIKE a potential suitor. I've met guys that would be good for me but I don't want THEM. They aren't for me... they don't have the quality that threw me head over heels for the former... that unexplained beauty that did it for me. The intent to get me to love them is definitely there, and because I am not receptive to it, I find myself hanging out with Corry and his friends. I don't want a love affair I don't agree with, so with them I just have fun; no responsibility of a love anything... just ridiculous and almost juvenile fun. Well shit... better than being a runaway bride, right??
I miss the former EVERYDAY! He was such a staple in my life. Tired of going places, seeing things and naturally make the connection to him... but God Thank you for giving me him for the time I did. I was truly happy. I guess its just what it is... he's gone, but I'm not gone from the world... I gotta MOVE... I gotta keep PUSHIN... like Sally Fields said "I got this one life, this one body" LMAO gotta work with what you got and make that shit work. I'm working on it...
I wonder why, I sit and cry,
Wish i could shed all these tears,
Im down and out,
I'll keep on moving and tryna get out,
I dont know how to move on,
Where i went wrong,
I wish i could live with no fear,
So down and out,
I'll keep it moving and tryna get out,
Somehow.
I refuse to stay stagnant... I have to move and the desperation to move has been real within me for a year almost. I've been channeling my needs on the things I can actually tackle; my schooling, my credit, my personal growth and financial strength. All these things are moving, thankfully, but of course there is one part of this puzzle that cannot be tackled... I can't seem to even get myself to even really LIKE a potential suitor. I've met guys that would be good for me but I don't want THEM. They aren't for me... they don't have the quality that threw me head over heels for the former... that unexplained beauty that did it for me. The intent to get me to love them is definitely there, and because I am not receptive to it, I find myself hanging out with Corry and his friends. I don't want a love affair I don't agree with, so with them I just have fun; no responsibility of a love anything... just ridiculous and almost juvenile fun. Well shit... better than being a runaway bride, right??
I miss the former EVERYDAY! He was such a staple in my life. Tired of going places, seeing things and naturally make the connection to him... but God Thank you for giving me him for the time I did. I was truly happy. I guess its just what it is... he's gone, but I'm not gone from the world... I gotta MOVE... I gotta keep PUSHIN... like Sally Fields said "I got this one life, this one body" LMAO gotta work with what you got and make that shit work. I'm working on it...
Saturday, June 5, 2010
untitled
Its been a minute... lots of catching up to do, but I have to do this first because it the most important.
This afternoon I was reading this article online about a man who was killed on I-80 last night in Albany and my mind immediately needed to learn the details of the story. What I didn't know at the time was the man who died was Miles Washington, husband to my play sister. It was hurtful to read it as this unknown anonymous person when that person has a family, has friends, has an identity. It hurts to know that my sis is in an immense amount of pain and regret over the loss of her husband, her friend, her family. Regret is hard to overcome and it is a work in progress to handle if you have a conscience or strong morals and/or beliefs.
I have been sitting here, wondering about my own situation, my own regrets with regards to the one I was last in love with. So imperial how he is now just a memory, but what lies within those memories are an abundance of great times, love, friendship, regard, fights, mean/hurtful words said, and abandonment. I wish we could have gotten through the worst and ended up as friends. Despite anything negative I have said, I never meant for it to be our undoing.I can't change the past though... I can just say that I will always love you friend, and if something ever happened to me or you, I want us to go knowing that I love you and that I never meant to hurt you. Never meant to bring the worst out of our friendship but rather the best and that I am sorry I failed.
I just needed to get that out. I needed to say that because our days aren't promised. RIP Miles... your love you gave to Maria will always be cherished.
This afternoon I was reading this article online about a man who was killed on I-80 last night in Albany and my mind immediately needed to learn the details of the story. What I didn't know at the time was the man who died was Miles Washington, husband to my play sister. It was hurtful to read it as this unknown anonymous person when that person has a family, has friends, has an identity. It hurts to know that my sis is in an immense amount of pain and regret over the loss of her husband, her friend, her family. Regret is hard to overcome and it is a work in progress to handle if you have a conscience or strong morals and/or beliefs.
I have been sitting here, wondering about my own situation, my own regrets with regards to the one I was last in love with. So imperial how he is now just a memory, but what lies within those memories are an abundance of great times, love, friendship, regard, fights, mean/hurtful words said, and abandonment. I wish we could have gotten through the worst and ended up as friends. Despite anything negative I have said, I never meant for it to be our undoing.I can't change the past though... I can just say that I will always love you friend, and if something ever happened to me or you, I want us to go knowing that I love you and that I never meant to hurt you. Never meant to bring the worst out of our friendship but rather the best and that I am sorry I failed.
I just needed to get that out. I needed to say that because our days aren't promised. RIP Miles... your love you gave to Maria will always be cherished.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
foolish me... not anymore
I'm going to say this once... I've done things that I regret; said things I shouldn't have... but in the end, I always believed that people will know who I am and not judge me. This world is full of judgmental people though; my dad is, best friends are, formers are as well. I've went into so many situations with false pretenses but now I see... none of it matters; your words don't mean shit because in the end, I am alone in the world. I have to take care of me... I'm getting those good grades; those two degrees. I'm seeing the world and what it has to offer. I'm attaining my goals I have set for myself in life and in the end, I will reap the benefits.
There is somethings that I have to keep in mind as I see little things reminding me of my past. I am better than my past. All of it. Yes there were great times, but I am better than that. It was hard, but the past is just that. Its over and done. I admit that it will be hard sometimes to not want go back, but I know I can't. Where there lies that old happiness, also lies pain. Not to mention, living in the past because I didn't want to let go creates havoc and makes me look ridiculous. So, I'm officially over it.
Goodbye.
There is somethings that I have to keep in mind as I see little things reminding me of my past. I am better than my past. All of it. Yes there were great times, but I am better than that. It was hard, but the past is just that. Its over and done. I admit that it will be hard sometimes to not want go back, but I know I can't. Where there lies that old happiness, also lies pain. Not to mention, living in the past because I didn't want to let go creates havoc and makes me look ridiculous. So, I'm officially over it.
Goodbye.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
UHHHH!!!
It was three weeks ago when I shamelessly expressed my feelings on you and HELL YEAH they have changed. In the beginning I thought you had such potential to become an ally of mine. I had an interesting amount of respect for you and your sweetness was very refreshing to me. But I don't like you! lmao, now I just think you are okay cuz I still don't really fuckin know you! lmao. The fact of the matter is guys regularly chase after me, but you dont and that bothers me! You don't even try to be my friend. :( I fuckin liked you and broke my "Like Heart"... you even left me on BBM! hmph!!
LMAO Naw, just kidding. Really, not much has changed... I still don't know you, but I still want to get to know you. I hope that before I leave to PDX, we can hang out. I don't have any interest other than appeasing my own curiosity and I hope that is still cool with you. You're still sweet to me, you're still funny, you're still really lighthearted and you still bring out the silly little kid in me. Its just more enduring and brings a greater appreciation given the fact that I am going through a rough part of my life. So... you're still "in there like swimwear" but hanging by thread cuz you fucked up AND you didn't bring me my cake. Get it together baby... lmao
LMAO Naw, just kidding. Really, not much has changed... I still don't know you, but I still want to get to know you. I hope that before I leave to PDX, we can hang out. I don't have any interest other than appeasing my own curiosity and I hope that is still cool with you. You're still sweet to me, you're still funny, you're still really lighthearted and you still bring out the silly little kid in me. Its just more enduring and brings a greater appreciation given the fact that I am going through a rough part of my life. So... you're still "in there like swimwear" but hanging by thread cuz you fucked up AND you didn't bring me my cake. Get it together baby... lmao
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Sick and Tired.
so yeah, here I am... in tears. What else is new? I have never cried so much in all my life. I am sick... sick to the point of pain and I have no sense of comfort around me. Between allergies, ICW levels on the fringe, coughing, and sore throat, I just would have loved some sort of help today. But no... now before I get ahead of myself I have key points to be made.
1) My obvious frustration with being sick is simple... I used to not care if anyone was there but in this last year, with all the emotional turmoil I have been facing, it all matters to me now. I hate how my life has been so squandered and changed on behalf of the crap I endured almost a year ago. In the past, when I was sick, there was a bevy of people to help me get through... I had my parents around, my male companion there and I had my friends. I don't have that anymore. Because I don't open myself up to many people anymore, I don't have friends here in Sacramento. And because my first known father doesn't care about me anymore, I have little to no family support up here as well.
2) All weekend, there has been enormous discussion on men, on how worthless they are, how much they create the pain women endure and further how they are to be used for self promotion or self discovery or just plain out attention. I choose to listen, only because I am the type to be an ear for my friends, but also to understand a woman's plight. I generally don't blame Ahmed for all of my heartache, and I don't blame the fucktard who disrespected me for my inability to open up to many people. I don't blame no man for shit and its probably because I hope to see them in a better light than that's casted upon them. Take Corry for instance: young man, does little to nothing in search of his own empowerment because he believes he has it already. I see him for that, but to my friends he is seen as someone toying with my kindness, taking me for granted, all for his own personal gain to say he could get a 30 year old. Wow... see thats deep. Too bad I don't think that damn hard.
3) Blaming Ahmed for anything is almost impossible with the exception of what his abandonment has caused me. He left at the pinnacle of the most trying time of my life. I needed my love. I needed my man at that moment and he hopped out on me because he didn't believe me. I gave him my trust... TRUST is so damn huge with me. I told him I trusted him with my LIFE. I have NEVER said that before. EVER. How dare he leave me... to make matters worse, I am now going through the emotional roller coaster of prosecution AND probation and I have no one. I will not allow people to get too close to me BECAUSE I am still hurt.
4) I have TRIED to allow closeness from friends... TRIED to make new friends... and what have they ALL done? Show me the same symptoms of abandonment. The truth is I am reading into things that people do in relation to what has been done to me... I really don't want anything negative to happen to me twice so I opt to run AND get extremely saddened when I notice it. The most fucked off part about the whole thing is my heart won't allow me to quit; I desperately want resolution in my mind and I believe that if I just tried harder, then people will see me for who I am. It ends up a fruitless effort because I just come off needy and desperate for THEM and they run. They dont want me... and here come that abandonment I try so hard to avoid. (I must say I am crying typing my truth right now...) I see myself as incredibly immobile; stagnant and hoping for an answer. I'm lost in my own pain with regards to last year. Picking up these pieces are HARD; the pieces are tiny.
Bawlling and not eating is certainly not cool. I just wish I had a better avenue to take... I wish I had friends that weren't so disillusioned with what my life was, but be enchanted by what I am working for. I want some peace of mind. I want some company... Shit I want some tissue.
But seriously, I need help. Clearly.
1) My obvious frustration with being sick is simple... I used to not care if anyone was there but in this last year, with all the emotional turmoil I have been facing, it all matters to me now. I hate how my life has been so squandered and changed on behalf of the crap I endured almost a year ago. In the past, when I was sick, there was a bevy of people to help me get through... I had my parents around, my male companion there and I had my friends. I don't have that anymore. Because I don't open myself up to many people anymore, I don't have friends here in Sacramento. And because my first known father doesn't care about me anymore, I have little to no family support up here as well.
2) All weekend, there has been enormous discussion on men, on how worthless they are, how much they create the pain women endure and further how they are to be used for self promotion or self discovery or just plain out attention. I choose to listen, only because I am the type to be an ear for my friends, but also to understand a woman's plight. I generally don't blame Ahmed for all of my heartache, and I don't blame the fucktard who disrespected me for my inability to open up to many people. I don't blame no man for shit and its probably because I hope to see them in a better light than that's casted upon them. Take Corry for instance: young man, does little to nothing in search of his own empowerment because he believes he has it already. I see him for that, but to my friends he is seen as someone toying with my kindness, taking me for granted, all for his own personal gain to say he could get a 30 year old. Wow... see thats deep. Too bad I don't think that damn hard.
3) Blaming Ahmed for anything is almost impossible with the exception of what his abandonment has caused me. He left at the pinnacle of the most trying time of my life. I needed my love. I needed my man at that moment and he hopped out on me because he didn't believe me. I gave him my trust... TRUST is so damn huge with me. I told him I trusted him with my LIFE. I have NEVER said that before. EVER. How dare he leave me... to make matters worse, I am now going through the emotional roller coaster of prosecution AND probation and I have no one. I will not allow people to get too close to me BECAUSE I am still hurt.
4) I have TRIED to allow closeness from friends... TRIED to make new friends... and what have they ALL done? Show me the same symptoms of abandonment. The truth is I am reading into things that people do in relation to what has been done to me... I really don't want anything negative to happen to me twice so I opt to run AND get extremely saddened when I notice it. The most fucked off part about the whole thing is my heart won't allow me to quit; I desperately want resolution in my mind and I believe that if I just tried harder, then people will see me for who I am. It ends up a fruitless effort because I just come off needy and desperate for THEM and they run. They dont want me... and here come that abandonment I try so hard to avoid. (I must say I am crying typing my truth right now...) I see myself as incredibly immobile; stagnant and hoping for an answer. I'm lost in my own pain with regards to last year. Picking up these pieces are HARD; the pieces are tiny.
Bawlling and not eating is certainly not cool. I just wish I had a better avenue to take... I wish I had friends that weren't so disillusioned with what my life was, but be enchanted by what I am working for. I want some peace of mind. I want some company... Shit I want some tissue.
But seriously, I need help. Clearly.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
carrying on
Taking my time to fulfill myself in every since of the word... I think I have full use of my heart still, I just have no desire to hand it over to someone - especially if they are not worthy of my time, space and energy. Its easy to get into my bed... have no reservations or inhibitions. Give a man the touch of me and make then fell me from the inside and savor each inch of me physically... not sure why that is so easy, but thats me. But to let someone get near me on an emotional level is difficult and ill of rewards. I have loved and lost. Its funny because through my conversation with my cousin, she spoke of how lucky I am to have had real love, someone who spoke to my soul and love my heart. I am... I am lucky someone looked at me and smiled... watched me work, watched me cook, watched me sleep and hold me while I did so... its one of those things that when I think about it... I must of broke his heart, just the same way he broke mine...
At the same time, thinking even further back, the love I had was young, but very real.. I had regard but I am eternally blessed with the fact that he didn't leave. He's still my friend. I still have that ability to love him with all my heart, and he is the man that really taught me and prepared me to love my ex. ugh... I hate these moments... yearning for that love again. I must not deserve it now... instead I have uncertainty, broken promises, side-eyes, confusion, and other ways to prepare me for the next. And whats next? Not the one with the kids, not the one with the age-old crush, not the one that calls me telling me how much he wants me, not the one from my town, and certainly not that young one. But these cards are more than mechanisms to prepare myself for my future, I adore who I know for the fact that I am learning, but also because I think they are learning from me too... its easy to respect someone who has an open mind and is eager to learn.
HA! I just had a thought about that young one... whatta crazy premise to do what my ex did to me so many years ago... I was 18 and he was 29 when we first really got "close". In my convo with him, he believes firming in paying it forward... I served so much for my ex, as he did for me... Would if I would be so inclined? Would I feel the same fulfillment then? Probably not.. But I certainly would not go against trying that one out...
And what about my sweetheart? the obvious choice... the one that makes me smile and hugs me tight. I'm not ready. Its just that fuckin simple. He knows it... he looks at me and sees it in my eyes. I know he sees that my love is masked. But neither is he. I have to admit that hurts though.
I'm doing what I didn't want to do... carrying on... I want to love, I want to lust, I just want to move. I need to move and learn to be open again, at least. I lust, but only in the privacy of my mind. I used to be a beast... where is she? Love for me will have its day. Right?
Saturday, March 6, 2010
blog about you... yeah you.
Well.... I mean what do you want me to say? Yeah you are cute, funny as hell, kinda sweet, but because I have so much to learn about you, its hard to write about you... You right now bring out the kid in me; which is fun most of the time. I appreciate the fact that you don't seem to try too hard to do anything but at the same time, I don't like that almost evasive quality about you at all. You make me wanna slap you because you are missing out on fun time... but that is really on you.
I like you so far, but you suck... But its whatever... I'm thinking that being anything like that is not required for you and I. You're cool with me... just don't fuck up... and bring me my cake.
I like you so far, but you suck... But its whatever... I'm thinking that being anything like that is not required for you and I. You're cool with me... just don't fuck up... and bring me my cake.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
well...
Just going to say that that hurt my feelings. I made an effort to befriend people and was shot to the left... maybe Im uninteresting to you or not enough of whatever... I can't believe that I always stand firm in being nice, being real, being a friend, but its never returned. I think today is the day I learn to be better to myself... I don't need to encourage you... to help you... to believe in you because you are well taken care of. Its really whatever. I guess.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Dating
Ehhhh.... yeah, I don't really like what it means to date. Its one of those things where you expose yourself to foolery. I just recently said I would seriously give dating a legitimate try and I am stumped with all the men suffering from some form of psychosis. Some of yall are entirely too damn needy! I thought I had my needy moments, but damn.
Probably the biggest pitfall is some basically reads my credentials like I'm applying for a job. They say:
Pretty? yes
Nice Body? ummm yes
Big ass? oh yes
Nice rack? fuck yes
Pretty smile? yes
Car? yes
Smells good? yes
okay, the basics are done, now on to the more detailed information.
Single? yes
Kids? no
Ever been married? no
Job/School? School
Cook? yes
And since I am a woman with a nice rack, no kids, with money in my pocket and a car... oh and I can cook? I become this hot commodity. The chasing ensues because of this, which I don't particularly like. I've never been into guys that try too hard, but rather those who far more relaxed. I never was into guys that tell me "I want to take care of you" because it makes me feel like you would rather me just be at your disposal. I know it seems a stretch, but you would be amazed of the number of men that have said that to me, and then prove me right. I can't be in a relationship with little to no voice; ask my dad. I will run my mouth when I feel passionately about something. No one can stop me but me.
Then of course there is the man himself. What the hell does he have to offer me? Is he a mama's boy? Is he crazy? Does he have kids? How many baby mama's vs. kid's mother? How much stress will this dude cause me? I don't ever ask regular run-of-the-mill questions like that because I feel like if a man was sincere, he would just let me know. I find that most of the men I've talked to so far are eager to tell me they have children, their ages. But this is my first time really dealing with kids because before, I just like younger men that had no children. Getting over that hump, its easy to see that MOST BLACK MEN my age have children in the State of California. If you don't agree, come forward right now. We will duel it out! LOL!
I guess dating is something to do in order to know what I don't want in a relationship or in a marriage. I do want to get married. I have no marker as to when, but I want it to happen as well as children of my own. I recently met someone as a friend and its more relaxed and very sufficient so far. I also met someone who has pursued me with cool intentions, but because he is obviously trying to get me just be his girlfriend with incredible amount of speed, I can't deal. Its not something I am interested in at the moment. If I am going to be in a relationship, I will do it because I feel comfortable with that person and I have feelings for them. Until then, that's why I have dating, to feel your monkey ass out.
Probably the biggest pitfall is some basically reads my credentials like I'm applying for a job. They say:
Pretty? yes
Nice Body? ummm yes
Big ass? oh yes
Nice rack? fuck yes
Pretty smile? yes
Car? yes
Smells good? yes
okay, the basics are done, now on to the more detailed information.
Single? yes
Kids? no
Ever been married? no
Job/School? School
Cook? yes
And since I am a woman with a nice rack, no kids, with money in my pocket and a car... oh and I can cook? I become this hot commodity. The chasing ensues because of this, which I don't particularly like. I've never been into guys that try too hard, but rather those who far more relaxed. I never was into guys that tell me "I want to take care of you" because it makes me feel like you would rather me just be at your disposal. I know it seems a stretch, but you would be amazed of the number of men that have said that to me, and then prove me right. I can't be in a relationship with little to no voice; ask my dad. I will run my mouth when I feel passionately about something. No one can stop me but me.
Then of course there is the man himself. What the hell does he have to offer me? Is he a mama's boy? Is he crazy? Does he have kids? How many baby mama's vs. kid's mother? How much stress will this dude cause me? I don't ever ask regular run-of-the-mill questions like that because I feel like if a man was sincere, he would just let me know. I find that most of the men I've talked to so far are eager to tell me they have children, their ages. But this is my first time really dealing with kids because before, I just like younger men that had no children. Getting over that hump, its easy to see that MOST BLACK MEN my age have children in the State of California. If you don't agree, come forward right now. We will duel it out! LOL!
I guess dating is something to do in order to know what I don't want in a relationship or in a marriage. I do want to get married. I have no marker as to when, but I want it to happen as well as children of my own. I recently met someone as a friend and its more relaxed and very sufficient so far. I also met someone who has pursued me with cool intentions, but because he is obviously trying to get me just be his girlfriend with incredible amount of speed, I can't deal. Its not something I am interested in at the moment. If I am going to be in a relationship, I will do it because I feel comfortable with that person and I have feelings for them. Until then, that's why I have dating, to feel your monkey ass out.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Meaningful Dialogue
When I went over there, I honestly didn't know what to expect. I knew that I was be an object of desire to some extent, but I chose to have an open mind and just be myself and let that take me wherever. I was truly glad I did that, not for any physical interactions that did or didn't take place, but for the conversation; the important words that needed to be said to me.
I always thought dude was going to be my friend, even through his issue that he needed to resolve in himself, I just figured he would pull it together. But then later, I knew I was going to have to move on and chose to be strong about it - I've watched others trip consistently over the hurdle called Ahmed... I didn't want to be like that. I kind of feel stupid now. Even though the hurdle said he was tall in his description, I knew he wasn't really that tall; I knew he embellished here and there about that and even the validity of himself. Why do women turn the blind eye to things they should have paid attention to when it comes to love? Dumb, dumb, dumb... I should have paid attention sooner, but instead I fueled myself with regard and love and went from there.
I managed to digress big time. (how unusual, right? lol) See, my patna knew of my situation with the hurdle, knew that I loved him and said these words: "I know you love him, I know you need time. I understand that, but the way I see it, if he really loved you, he would not have abandoned you. He would have rode for you. I look at you and see a strong woman, not a weak one, so if you came to me with your situation, I would have been there for you - especially if I loved you. I can't understand why he would have seen you were hurt and not want to protect you or make it better. The way I see it; he is not the one for you."
Ouch. But immediately after that beastly hit, I thought about it, and my patna is right; 100% right. There is no way anyone can love you and so easily distance his or herself from you. Its either they never loved you or they have a severe emotional problem. While I am confident that the hurdle suffers from a distinctive lack of emotion, I cannot care about that anymore. I take relief in that feeling of I can give a fuck now.
I learned last week that hoarding feelings does nothing but create a buildup in potential conflict, as well as confusion and loss of friendship. So now this has happened to me, but thanks to my patna, I have learned a little more about my wealth. Its nice when people meet me and think I'm a good person. It means I'm not completely misunderstood. That's the best part.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Men
So... still up. Thinking about this conversation I had with my grandma... well, the events after rather. After that convo, which is a different story entirely, she gave back the phone to Melissa, and she of course asked if I wanted to talk to my first known dad, Steve Mitchell and my first known grandfather Pops. Neither wanted to speak to me. Not at all. Didn't take the phone, didn't say hey Monique. Its so regular of them to do that. I think my brother just felt bad (it showed) and thats the reason he spoke to me.
I have always said this: The men in my life, they almost always leave. My real father left before I was born and I accepted that at such a young age and certainly too soon after I found out at 13. Steve Mitchell, the man with whose last name I have, the man I knew as my dad; the man that had men himself, left me because I had respect for both my new step-dad and real father. It was he who literally threw the fact that he wasn't my real father in my face because he was mad at my mother. He tainted my confidence in men at that moment I realized that he was truly acting out of spite.
Even still, I respected him, still called him dad and he abandoned me. Taking my sister and brother on trips and leaving me behind. Pops as well wouldn't take my calls, hung up on me when he did accidentally answer the phone. Even then, I never said fuck you, I swallowed hard and kept loving the memories, loving the time when they loved me; when they called me their granddaughter. At the same time, my brother moved in with my dad and that caused a fatal error. He believed Steve Mitchell and Steve Mitchell said I didn't love him anymore. (right, #whatparentdoesthatshit) That was my brother... we were BEST FRIENDS when I was a kid. I wanted to be like my bro; I climbed and fell out of trees (in a beehive once) just to be around him and he left me too.
Fast-forward to when I gave myself to my boyfriend, and thinking that was a bright idea, I realized soon after my own power. No, not in my pussy (duhh) but my spirit with men in general. Men gravitated to me no matter their age. Every man at my job liked me. Gave me good references. My boss, Sam Walker especially gravitated towards me, just as a friend and introduced me to his entire family, including his nephew, Jesse. Now Jesse... is probably the most important man outside of my family in my life. He is regarded by all my friends that know him, influential, caring and resourceful. Has an asshole side that I adore and respect. We ended up in a relationship that lasted 3.5 years, which had its issues.
While this was going on Dad Aaron got so angry with me because I grew up... its interesting how that happened. He went at great lengths to make me feel horrible and it worked. Calling me out my name, kicking me out of the house, throwing my shit out the back door. Probably the worst was after I did leave, he showed up at my new place at 11 o'clock on a Friday night and dropped off my shit... on the street. Told me to "Get Jesse to help you" and drove off. Thing is Jesse was in Oregon with his family. I lived up 3 flights of stairs. Yeah... mind you, I lived on 37th and Telegraph near West Mac. People who know Oakland knows thats a regular Vice City. But I went on again and sucked it up, moved my shit alone, as well as went on loving him. I didn't say fuck you Aaron. I should have, but no...
Then Jesse cheated on me. In Thailand. He called me. Guilty conscience ass... we couldn't survive. So, at the heels of the bad phase of my relationship with him, I went on a hunt to rekindle the relationships I had with the men in my life - my 3 dads, grandpas, etc. Aaron, pop-fly behind the catcher and caught... Steve, out.... David, base hit... Pops, out. (David is my real father.) A country man with a whole new family that loves me no less, but its a bit hard when you find that the dad that left you while you were in the womb still went on to have 4 more kids and a beautiful wife. It was intimidating, but also painful. So, I digressed and found myself having a lot of fun with just figuring out me and men sexually. Yeah, a lot of fun... Until I met Ahmed. He was supposed to be just something that happened, but then I realized he wasn't at all. Further, I fell in love with him, thought he was the one, never feeling like that ever in my life.
And he rose to the occasion. Beautiful and creative gifts, public displays of affection. Showing up at my job with Valentine's and singing balloons. He loved me. I loved him. I just knew he wouldn't leave. But we know what happened. He couldn't understand my personal torment and left me. Just like Dad Steve, Dad David, Dad Aaron, Pops, my older brother, etc., gone.
I'm not going to talk about the useless men... the ones that went into situations with no regard, or the ones who took advantage and did hurtful, mean and fucking illegal shit to me. Those fucks don't count. They contributed even more to my inability to connect with men and the pain they caused is something that I'm working with but ... sigh. I just can't write about it again.
I used to cry, "they all leave me" in my bed at night. As a teen, I was so sad when it came down to it. I thought about my attraction to women, and thought maybe that was for me, but I knew that's just not an option for me. I love men too much. I just want them to love me the way I do them. Even the gentlemen I've met this year in school or FB or Twitter. I didn't mention by name, but you too... I want your friendship and I hope you don't leave.
So you see, my foundation is a little fucked. I have always managed to try to make up for this. Being nice and resourceful, lending an ear and time. Making sure you are happy makes me happy so I do what I can. But the sad part is while I do this, its not returned equally. Instead, most of them do leave eventually. I've kind of gotten used to it. But yeah, it hurts. But its like I always do, I swallow hard, I wipe my tears and I keep hold to the good. I still believe in you men. I bruise but I heal too.
I have always said this: The men in my life, they almost always leave. My real father left before I was born and I accepted that at such a young age and certainly too soon after I found out at 13. Steve Mitchell, the man with whose last name I have, the man I knew as my dad; the man that had men himself, left me because I had respect for both my new step-dad and real father. It was he who literally threw the fact that he wasn't my real father in my face because he was mad at my mother. He tainted my confidence in men at that moment I realized that he was truly acting out of spite.
Even still, I respected him, still called him dad and he abandoned me. Taking my sister and brother on trips and leaving me behind. Pops as well wouldn't take my calls, hung up on me when he did accidentally answer the phone. Even then, I never said fuck you, I swallowed hard and kept loving the memories, loving the time when they loved me; when they called me their granddaughter. At the same time, my brother moved in with my dad and that caused a fatal error. He believed Steve Mitchell and Steve Mitchell said I didn't love him anymore. (right, #whatparentdoesthatshit) That was my brother... we were BEST FRIENDS when I was a kid. I wanted to be like my bro; I climbed and fell out of trees (in a beehive once) just to be around him and he left me too.
Fast-forward to when I gave myself to my boyfriend, and thinking that was a bright idea, I realized soon after my own power. No, not in my pussy (duhh) but my spirit with men in general. Men gravitated to me no matter their age. Every man at my job liked me. Gave me good references. My boss, Sam Walker especially gravitated towards me, just as a friend and introduced me to his entire family, including his nephew, Jesse. Now Jesse... is probably the most important man outside of my family in my life. He is regarded by all my friends that know him, influential, caring and resourceful. Has an asshole side that I adore and respect. We ended up in a relationship that lasted 3.5 years, which had its issues.
While this was going on Dad Aaron got so angry with me because I grew up... its interesting how that happened. He went at great lengths to make me feel horrible and it worked. Calling me out my name, kicking me out of the house, throwing my shit out the back door. Probably the worst was after I did leave, he showed up at my new place at 11 o'clock on a Friday night and dropped off my shit... on the street. Told me to "Get Jesse to help you" and drove off. Thing is Jesse was in Oregon with his family. I lived up 3 flights of stairs. Yeah... mind you, I lived on 37th and Telegraph near West Mac. People who know Oakland knows thats a regular Vice City. But I went on again and sucked it up, moved my shit alone, as well as went on loving him. I didn't say fuck you Aaron. I should have, but no...
Then Jesse cheated on me. In Thailand. He called me. Guilty conscience ass... we couldn't survive. So, at the heels of the bad phase of my relationship with him, I went on a hunt to rekindle the relationships I had with the men in my life - my 3 dads, grandpas, etc. Aaron, pop-fly behind the catcher and caught... Steve, out.... David, base hit... Pops, out. (David is my real father.) A country man with a whole new family that loves me no less, but its a bit hard when you find that the dad that left you while you were in the womb still went on to have 4 more kids and a beautiful wife. It was intimidating, but also painful. So, I digressed and found myself having a lot of fun with just figuring out me and men sexually. Yeah, a lot of fun... Until I met Ahmed. He was supposed to be just something that happened, but then I realized he wasn't at all. Further, I fell in love with him, thought he was the one, never feeling like that ever in my life.
And he rose to the occasion. Beautiful and creative gifts, public displays of affection. Showing up at my job with Valentine's and singing balloons. He loved me. I loved him. I just knew he wouldn't leave. But we know what happened. He couldn't understand my personal torment and left me. Just like Dad Steve, Dad David, Dad Aaron, Pops, my older brother, etc., gone.
I'm not going to talk about the useless men... the ones that went into situations with no regard, or the ones who took advantage and did hurtful, mean and fucking illegal shit to me. Those fucks don't count. They contributed even more to my inability to connect with men and the pain they caused is something that I'm working with but ... sigh. I just can't write about it again.
I used to cry, "they all leave me" in my bed at night. As a teen, I was so sad when it came down to it. I thought about my attraction to women, and thought maybe that was for me, but I knew that's just not an option for me. I love men too much. I just want them to love me the way I do them. Even the gentlemen I've met this year in school or FB or Twitter. I didn't mention by name, but you too... I want your friendship and I hope you don't leave.
So you see, my foundation is a little fucked. I have always managed to try to make up for this. Being nice and resourceful, lending an ear and time. Making sure you are happy makes me happy so I do what I can. But the sad part is while I do this, its not returned equally. Instead, most of them do leave eventually. I've kind of gotten used to it. But yeah, it hurts. But its like I always do, I swallow hard, I wipe my tears and I keep hold to the good. I still believe in you men. I bruise but I heal too.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Thinking ass backwards.
If I had to make a decision on my future right now, I would decide to stop crying, stop feeling like I'm trapped in a bubble with no one to turn to and make shit right. I used to have someone to help me through these painful times. He used say, "Hey, fuck that, you"ll be fine" or "Shut up" or "You will make it". Now that he is gone, I have to tell myself that, but I'm starting to not believe me. My words don't hold the same power, perhaps because I was beaten up pretty bad this year.
Now, Im going to be honest here. Some don't know the full scale of my misfortunes. In April of this year, I was arrested at the behest of my former boss. She said I had stolen from her. I didn't, at least I didn't steal... she authorized shit, and later recanted because she was nearly $2.0 million (an unrelated $2 mil) in the hole after her dad died. Its something that has hampered the fuck out of my trust among friends, family and others. I don't want to work among people again, because I am afraid of being admonished. Not to mention, I am a felon... yes, me. I was subjected to jail - Santa Rita... ugh, the notion of me in a blue suit is not cool. I have to do DNA testing, and my mug shot can be found if you look for it. Spare yourself. Don't look for it.
Then, merely a week after my stint in jail, I was sexually abused. (long deep heavy sigh...) The thing is I thought this was so my own fault. I am an overtly sexual person. I knew to some degree he wanted it. But the fact of the matter is I didn't. He took advantage of my struggling weakness at that point in time and it happened. Disgust overwhelms me when I think about what he said to me before, during and after. But again, I really thought I perpetuated the situation because I can be so forgiving. So what the hell? I did this to myself? Its something I continue to struggle with. I more often have a hard time even thinking about it; summoned to tears, the pain is tireless in me. That shit hurts. Why would someone hurt me like that? Im hella cool. Sweet. Kindhearted. I thought I was those things, so why hurt me? I'm still confused about this. Anyway...
So with these parallel bad events, I feel like I've had my fair share. Right? No... death is right in my vision. My grandma Mitchell isn't doing too good. I just remember when we were little, she used to make porcelain dolls, and she showed us how she did it. She always smelled good. She had beautiful skin. I loved her and I looked up to her. I think of her devotion to her husband, Pops, and thought I wanted to love someone as she does him, and further get the same in return as Pops does her. She was a good cook too... She made cake a lot... lol, I loved cake as a kid so we got along great. But, I stopped seeing her so much because of the politics of me - I technically wasn't her grandchild. I didn't know she wasn't until I was 13.
In addition, my granny's birthday is today... When I think of her, I think of food cooking, her tireless ways; her selfless acts... converting her own home for those less fortunate. She gave her life for others. She took care of the homeless in her own home. She was amazing. I remember when I first met her, I was 13. She looked at me, and held her mouth... she was shocked and so damn happy. She hugged me for like 15 minutes. It just felt right. I felt like I had finally found the other half of my heart. I appreciated that she hugged my little sister for just as long since she was just meeting me too and probably didn't know how to feel about a big sister coming into her life 7 years into her life. Great woman... Rest in peace.
Then theres that hungover situation but we know about Ahmed already, I don't need to go into him on this one or this blog will never end. Kind of like this portion of my life. Shit is relentless.
Funny thing is while that I feel like I'm in a bubble, I see friends going through shit so parallel to my life and I wanna heal them so bad. Like "please don't feel like I do, please get the most out of life because this shit hurts and destroys your spirit." I don't want anyone to feel like I do right now. I'm that sensitive, overtly sexual, sexually abused felon... try that title on after your name and see how you feel. Shits fucked up right? Yeah.
I deserve a better title than that. I've seen good, bad and fucking ugly and life isn't really that simple. My optimism is still there... albeit its fucked off, but its still there. Its like this blog... its never-fucking-ending...
Now, Im going to be honest here. Some don't know the full scale of my misfortunes. In April of this year, I was arrested at the behest of my former boss. She said I had stolen from her. I didn't, at least I didn't steal... she authorized shit, and later recanted because she was nearly $2.0 million (an unrelated $2 mil) in the hole after her dad died. Its something that has hampered the fuck out of my trust among friends, family and others. I don't want to work among people again, because I am afraid of being admonished. Not to mention, I am a felon... yes, me. I was subjected to jail - Santa Rita... ugh, the notion of me in a blue suit is not cool. I have to do DNA testing, and my mug shot can be found if you look for it. Spare yourself. Don't look for it.
Then, merely a week after my stint in jail, I was sexually abused. (long deep heavy sigh...) The thing is I thought this was so my own fault. I am an overtly sexual person. I knew to some degree he wanted it. But the fact of the matter is I didn't. He took advantage of my struggling weakness at that point in time and it happened. Disgust overwhelms me when I think about what he said to me before, during and after. But again, I really thought I perpetuated the situation because I can be so forgiving. So what the hell? I did this to myself? Its something I continue to struggle with. I more often have a hard time even thinking about it; summoned to tears, the pain is tireless in me. That shit hurts. Why would someone hurt me like that? Im hella cool. Sweet. Kindhearted. I thought I was those things, so why hurt me? I'm still confused about this. Anyway...
So with these parallel bad events, I feel like I've had my fair share. Right? No... death is right in my vision. My grandma Mitchell isn't doing too good. I just remember when we were little, she used to make porcelain dolls, and she showed us how she did it. She always smelled good. She had beautiful skin. I loved her and I looked up to her. I think of her devotion to her husband, Pops, and thought I wanted to love someone as she does him, and further get the same in return as Pops does her. She was a good cook too... She made cake a lot... lol, I loved cake as a kid so we got along great. But, I stopped seeing her so much because of the politics of me - I technically wasn't her grandchild. I didn't know she wasn't until I was 13.
In addition, my granny's birthday is today... When I think of her, I think of food cooking, her tireless ways; her selfless acts... converting her own home for those less fortunate. She gave her life for others. She took care of the homeless in her own home. She was amazing. I remember when I first met her, I was 13. She looked at me, and held her mouth... she was shocked and so damn happy. She hugged me for like 15 minutes. It just felt right. I felt like I had finally found the other half of my heart. I appreciated that she hugged my little sister for just as long since she was just meeting me too and probably didn't know how to feel about a big sister coming into her life 7 years into her life. Great woman... Rest in peace.
Then theres that hungover situation but we know about Ahmed already, I don't need to go into him on this one or this blog will never end. Kind of like this portion of my life. Shit is relentless.
Funny thing is while that I feel like I'm in a bubble, I see friends going through shit so parallel to my life and I wanna heal them so bad. Like "please don't feel like I do, please get the most out of life because this shit hurts and destroys your spirit." I don't want anyone to feel like I do right now. I'm that sensitive, overtly sexual, sexually abused felon... try that title on after your name and see how you feel. Shits fucked up right? Yeah.
I deserve a better title than that. I've seen good, bad and fucking ugly and life isn't really that simple. My optimism is still there... albeit its fucked off, but its still there. Its like this blog... its never-fucking-ending...
Sunday, December 20, 2009
school's out
School this semester wasn't as climatic as last semester, but THAT IS A BLESSING! LOL! I got 2 A's, 3 B's, and 1 damn C. I can only be grateful that I am making it. I hate that I am so far from home and somewhat far from completion, but dammit I want this future so bad. I need to keep pushing for sure. Work harder and do even better. I'm actually looking forward to next semester. I'm hoping my classes are interesting and challenging.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Silver lining...
I'm only glad that Kiki, Carmella, Monique among others are there. Some have disappeared and reemerged but nonetheless I am glad for them in one way or another. They have helped me to understand the value of friendship just a bit more than I did even a year ago.
"friends are reflections of who you are and reminders of who you want to become."
And speaking of Nikki... Ms. Memphis herself... I imagine that God brought us together for some truly bizarre reason... we really are alike in the most uncharacteristic ways and are going through parallel life changing battles like moving away from family and friends to build a better life among other things. Not to mention this chick's birthday is 4/19. I finally have my very own femme Aries/Taurus... not borrowed, all my own. (inside joke). She really is an interesting gal.
There are other new ones that have helped me re-find myself. I am so grateful for them all. I'm glad that God brought these people to me. They have been a blessing in their own way.
To me friends are reflections of who you are and reminders of who you want to become. They inspire you to work harder and be better. They are there with you to have fun and enjoy the time along the way. They will tell you when you are dead wrong and praise you when you are right. I'm grateful for my bunch... all of my friends. That is my silver lining in all this stuff I am going through; the case, the dude, the move, the life... I managed to find my friends and keep them. Thank you all... I love you dearly.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
ctrl+alt+delete
okay, I'm not really into cliche's so I'm going to try to make this sound a uncorny as I possibly can.
When you have an issue with your computer; fucked it up in some fashion, it freezes on you. When that occurs, what is the most likely thing you do? You restart your computer, cross your fingers, and hope for the best right? Yeah, well... I went into several situations; fucked them up royally and sure enough EVERYONE froze. My attempt to restart these programs, if you will, has been fruitless to say the least. I talked to one person, who wagered that my integrity has been compromised. Another won't talk to me really at all... and of course other the last has a slow chip and the rebooting has been under par.
I can't help but blame myself. For everything. I allowed things that would normally not blow me over to hurt me and deceive my thinking overall on people. I hurt myself AFTER someone else hurt me... that's a epic fail. I'm sitting here, realizing my faults, and ask that those I pushed away to come back. I'm telling you I know I was with the shit. I know I was tripping... I failed you as a friend. But you know where my heart has always been. I ask that you give me the chance to proceed as your friend. I don't want to make up the time apart. I don't think that's the right thing to do. I've learned that making it up is only done to cover up what one has done wrong. Please. I don't want that. I want to always remember that THIS place is where there is no love, no companionship, no you. I don't want that. I hope you recognize my plea. I'm not saying that I am normal completely, but I'm getting there. I should have been better for you and myself.
So... I hit my ctrl+alt+delete and I am scanning for these programs to reboot. I hope the diagnostics and repairs help. I really adore each part of my cpu... the programs, security, and protocols; I don't think my cpu will function properly without them.
Yep, still corny. I tried. But you get the point, right?
When you have an issue with your computer; fucked it up in some fashion, it freezes on you. When that occurs, what is the most likely thing you do? You restart your computer, cross your fingers, and hope for the best right? Yeah, well... I went into several situations; fucked them up royally and sure enough EVERYONE froze. My attempt to restart these programs, if you will, has been fruitless to say the least. I talked to one person, who wagered that my integrity has been compromised. Another won't talk to me really at all... and of course other the last has a slow chip and the rebooting has been under par.
I can't help but blame myself. For everything. I allowed things that would normally not blow me over to hurt me and deceive my thinking overall on people. I hurt myself AFTER someone else hurt me... that's a epic fail. I'm sitting here, realizing my faults, and ask that those I pushed away to come back. I'm telling you I know I was with the shit. I know I was tripping... I failed you as a friend. But you know where my heart has always been. I ask that you give me the chance to proceed as your friend. I don't want to make up the time apart. I don't think that's the right thing to do. I've learned that making it up is only done to cover up what one has done wrong. Please. I don't want that. I want to always remember that THIS place is where there is no love, no companionship, no you. I don't want that. I hope you recognize my plea. I'm not saying that I am normal completely, but I'm getting there. I should have been better for you and myself.
So... I hit my ctrl+alt+delete and I am scanning for these programs to reboot. I hope the diagnostics and repairs help. I really adore each part of my cpu... the programs, security, and protocols; I don't think my cpu will function properly without them.
Yep, still corny. I tried. But you get the point, right?
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
today.
okay, all nonsense aside, I am so terribly torn by my by current feelings on this situation. I just want the best for myself; of course I need my time to heal from the things that brought my way and the things that have occurred. I feel like I am backpedaling; like as though my life as I knew it was wrong for some reason or another and now, I must reinvent it.
Noting that this is a daunting task, I ask myself what can I possibly to make things better. What can I do to ensure that this doesn't happen again? I need better. I thought I had something good. It felt RIGHT. Dead on... like as though all that was needed was the progression of life... my growth, his growth... our growth. We meshed well. We got along. There was a time when I thought one day he could be my hubby. I thought he was capable of making all my dreams come true. Not too little; not too much... loving and careful; just what I needed at the time. I think he loved me before I actually did him which is probably one the most biggest reasons for his hatred for me today. He feels I wronged him. I did him in... smh... if he only knew. Or better; if he only put his stubbornness aside for a few moments, he would see... I loved him more and more each day. I cared for him the way a woman is supposed to care for his man. I gave up my entire life for him... no, for us. I took extra special care of myself and him for the sake of... us. I took care the way I took care of Kiki when she was pregnant with Damarco. Like the way I took care of Carmella when she broke her foot. Like the way I took care of my mother when my dad was incarcerated. Like the way I took care of my niece and my sister when they were homeless. He was my family, so I did what I had to do to protect him, to nourish him, to contribute to his personal growth. I wasn't always perfect. In fact, I fucked up; made ridiculous decisions and even compromised myself in several ways. All of course to protect him, but fuck that...
But I spent a lot of time being hard on myself. I take responsibility and I can drill it into his or anyone else's head that I "hope we can be friends", but the fact of the matter is that the stubbornness mixed with that sweet indecisiveness is what keeps this in limbo... I know him. He don't know... and his stubbornness says that he won't sit to figure it out, its too easy to say no and too hard to say yes, sooooo..... (shrugs)
Exactly. So what do I do? I've always sat patiently while that man was attempting to figure it out. ALWAYS.... at the dinner table picking steak vs shrimp, niner roll vs eel roll...; blue vs gray; black vs white... satin vs cotton... I was there, calm and alert to his decision, ready to do what I needed to do to make him happy. Am I supposed to do that now? He doesn't seem to care in the same fashion and further, it seems like that will make me one crazy bitch. I don't want to waste my life waiting for him to see the truth and be my friend again. I honestly have lost all but a fraction of hope that he will ever be my friend again.
Jeez... I sound pathetic. I'm not though. I just MISS my friend. I miss him everyday. I cry either a little or a lot everyday. I love him with all my heart and I realize that more than when he was there. I see now that when we were okay, I appreciated him, but I didn't regard him as I did in the beginning or even in February. I fell so hard for him completely in February. HARD. its silly now thinking about it. I was in love and it just got better and better until I got into trouble and it was all tested. And then, it was further tested with what I call my ridiculousness. I could have saved my relationship, but instead I burnt it to the ground. Perhaps thats what was needed. Maybe I needed to start all over. But whatever... I don't care. Can I just get to the part when we are okay again? What page does that fall on?
Noting that this is a daunting task, I ask myself what can I possibly to make things better. What can I do to ensure that this doesn't happen again? I need better. I thought I had something good. It felt RIGHT. Dead on... like as though all that was needed was the progression of life... my growth, his growth... our growth. We meshed well. We got along. There was a time when I thought one day he could be my hubby. I thought he was capable of making all my dreams come true. Not too little; not too much... loving and careful; just what I needed at the time. I think he loved me before I actually did him which is probably one the most biggest reasons for his hatred for me today. He feels I wronged him. I did him in... smh... if he only knew. Or better; if he only put his stubbornness aside for a few moments, he would see... I loved him more and more each day. I cared for him the way a woman is supposed to care for his man. I gave up my entire life for him... no, for us. I took extra special care of myself and him for the sake of... us. I took care the way I took care of Kiki when she was pregnant with Damarco. Like the way I took care of Carmella when she broke her foot. Like the way I took care of my mother when my dad was incarcerated. Like the way I took care of my niece and my sister when they were homeless. He was my family, so I did what I had to do to protect him, to nourish him, to contribute to his personal growth. I wasn't always perfect. In fact, I fucked up; made ridiculous decisions and even compromised myself in several ways. All of course to protect him, but fuck that...
But I spent a lot of time being hard on myself. I take responsibility and I can drill it into his or anyone else's head that I "hope we can be friends", but the fact of the matter is that the stubbornness mixed with that sweet indecisiveness is what keeps this in limbo... I know him. He don't know... and his stubbornness says that he won't sit to figure it out, its too easy to say no and too hard to say yes, sooooo..... (shrugs)
Exactly. So what do I do? I've always sat patiently while that man was attempting to figure it out. ALWAYS.... at the dinner table picking steak vs shrimp, niner roll vs eel roll...; blue vs gray; black vs white... satin vs cotton... I was there, calm and alert to his decision, ready to do what I needed to do to make him happy. Am I supposed to do that now? He doesn't seem to care in the same fashion and further, it seems like that will make me one crazy bitch. I don't want to waste my life waiting for him to see the truth and be my friend again. I honestly have lost all but a fraction of hope that he will ever be my friend again.
Jeez... I sound pathetic. I'm not though. I just MISS my friend. I miss him everyday. I cry either a little or a lot everyday. I love him with all my heart and I realize that more than when he was there. I see now that when we were okay, I appreciated him, but I didn't regard him as I did in the beginning or even in February. I fell so hard for him completely in February. HARD. its silly now thinking about it. I was in love and it just got better and better until I got into trouble and it was all tested. And then, it was further tested with what I call my ridiculousness. I could have saved my relationship, but instead I burnt it to the ground. Perhaps thats what was needed. Maybe I needed to start all over. But whatever... I don't care. Can I just get to the part when we are okay again? What page does that fall on?
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