today.

okay, all nonsense aside, I am so terribly torn by my by current feelings on this situation.  I just want the best for myself; of course I need my time to heal from the things that brought my way and the things that have occurred.  I feel like I am backpedaling; like as though my life as I knew it was wrong for some reason or another and now, I must reinvent it.

Noting that this is a daunting task, I ask myself what can I possibly to make things better. What can I do to ensure that this doesn't happen again? I need better.  I thought I had something good. It felt RIGHT. Dead on... like as though all that was needed was the progression of life... my growth, his growth... our growth. We meshed well. We got along. There was a time when I thought one day he could be my hubby. I thought he was capable of making all my dreams come true.  Not too little; not too much... loving and careful; just what I needed at the time. I think he loved me before I actually did him which is probably one the most biggest reasons for his hatred for me today. He feels I wronged him. I did him in... smh... if he only knew. Or better; if he only put his stubbornness aside for a few moments, he would see... I loved him more and more each day. I cared for him the way a woman is supposed to care for his man. I gave up my entire life for him... no, for us. I took extra special care of myself and him for the sake of... us. I took care the way I took care of Kiki when she was pregnant with Damarco. Like the way I took care of Carmella when she broke her foot. Like the way I took care of my mother when my dad was incarcerated. Like the way I took care of my niece and my sister when they were homeless. He was my family, so I did what I had to do to protect him, to nourish him, to contribute to his personal growth. I wasn't always perfect.  In fact, I fucked up; made ridiculous decisions and even compromised myself in several ways. All of course to protect him, but fuck that...

But I spent a lot of time being hard on myself. I take responsibility and I can drill it into his or anyone else's head that I "hope we can be friends", but the fact of the matter is that the stubbornness mixed with that sweet indecisiveness is what keeps this in limbo... I know him. He don't know... and his stubbornness says that he won't sit to figure it out, its too easy to say no and too hard to say yes, sooooo..... (shrugs)

Exactly. So what do I do? I've always sat patiently while that man was attempting to figure it out. ALWAYS.... at the dinner table picking steak vs shrimp, niner roll vs eel roll...; blue vs gray; black vs white... satin vs cotton... I was there, calm and alert to his decision, ready to do what I needed to do to make him happy. Am I supposed to do that now? He doesn't seem to care in the same fashion and further, it seems like that will make me one crazy bitch. I don't want to waste my life waiting for him to see the truth and be my friend again. I honestly have lost all but a fraction of hope that he will ever be my friend again.

Jeez... I sound pathetic. I'm not though. I just MISS my friend. I miss him everyday. I cry either a little or a lot everyday. I love him with all my heart and I realize that more than when he was there. I see now that when we were okay, I appreciated him, but I didn't regard him as I did in the beginning or even in February. I fell so hard for him completely in February. HARD. its silly now thinking about it. I was in love and it just got better and better until I got into trouble and it was all tested. And then, it was further tested with what I call my ridiculousness. I could have saved my relationship, but instead I burnt it to the ground. Perhaps thats what was needed. Maybe I needed to start all over. But whatever... I don't care. Can I just get to the part when we are okay again? What page does that fall on?