carrying on

Taking my time to fulfill myself in every since of the word... I think I have full use of my heart still, I just have no desire to hand it over to someone - especially if they are not worthy of my time, space and energy.  Its easy to get into my bed... have no reservations or inhibitions. Give a man the touch of me and make then fell me from the inside and savor each inch of me physically... not sure why that is so easy, but thats me. But to let someone get near me on an emotional level is difficult and ill of rewards. I have loved and lost. Its funny because through my conversation with my cousin, she spoke of how lucky I am to have had real love, someone who spoke to my soul and love my heart. I am... I am lucky someone looked at me and smiled... watched me work, watched me cook, watched me sleep and hold me while I did so... its one of those things that when I think about it... I must of broke his heart, just the same way he broke mine... 

At the same time, thinking even further back, the love I had was young, but very real.. I had regard but I am eternally blessed with the fact that he didn't leave. He's still my friend. I still have that ability to love him with all my heart, and he is the man that really taught me and prepared me to love my ex. ugh... I hate these moments... yearning for that love again. I must not deserve it now... instead I have uncertainty, broken promises, side-eyes, confusion, and other ways to prepare me for the next. And whats next? Not the one with the kids, not the one with the age-old crush, not the one that calls me telling me how much he wants me, not the one from my town, and certainly not that young one. But these cards are more than mechanisms to prepare myself for my future, I adore who I know for the fact that I am learning, but also because I think they are learning from me too... its easy to respect someone who has an open mind and is eager to learn. 

HA! I just had a thought about that young one... whatta crazy premise to do what my ex did to me so many years ago... I was 18 and he was 29 when we first really got "close". In my convo with him, he believes firming in paying it forward... I served so much for my ex, as he did for me... Would if I would be so inclined?   Would I feel the same fulfillment then? Probably not.. But I certainly would not go against trying that one out... 

And what about my sweetheart? the obvious choice... the one that makes me smile and hugs me tight. I'm not ready. Its just that fuckin simple. He knows it... he looks at me and sees it in my eyes. I know he sees that my love is masked. But neither is he. I have to admit that hurts though.

I'm doing what I didn't want to do... carrying on... I want to love, I want to lust, I just want to move. I need to move and learn to be open again, at least. I lust, but only in the privacy of my mind. I used to be a beast... where is she? Love for me will have its day. Right?