Thinking ass backwards.

If I had to make a decision on my future right now, I would decide to stop crying, stop feeling like I'm trapped in a bubble with no one to turn to and make shit right. I used to have someone to help me through these painful times. He used say, "Hey, fuck that, you"ll be fine" or "Shut up" or "You will make it". Now that he is gone, I have to tell myself that, but I'm starting to not believe me. My words don't hold the same power, perhaps because I was beaten up pretty bad this year.

Now, Im going to be honest here. Some don't know the full scale of my misfortunes. In April of this year, I was arrested at the behest of my former boss. She said I had stolen from her. I didn't, at least I didn't steal... she authorized shit, and later recanted because she was nearly $2.0 million (an unrelated $2 mil) in the hole after her dad died. Its something that has hampered the fuck out of my trust among friends, family and others. I don't want to work among people again, because I am afraid of being admonished. Not to mention, I am a felon... yes, me. I was subjected to jail - Santa Rita... ugh, the notion of me in a blue suit is not cool. I have to do DNA testing, and my mug shot can be found if you look for it. Spare yourself. Don't look for it.

Then, merely a week after my stint in jail, I was sexually abused. (long deep heavy sigh...) The thing is I thought this was so my own fault. I am an overtly sexual person. I knew to some degree he wanted it. But the fact of the matter is I didn't. He took advantage of my struggling weakness at that point in time and it happened. Disgust overwhelms me when I think about what he said to me before, during and after. But again, I really thought I perpetuated the situation because I can be so forgiving. So what the hell? I did this to myself? Its something I continue to struggle with. I more often have a hard time even thinking about it; summoned to tears, the pain is tireless in me. That shit hurts. Why would someone hurt me like that? Im hella cool. Sweet. Kindhearted. I thought I was those things, so why hurt me? I'm still confused about this. Anyway...

So with these parallel bad events, I feel like I've had my fair share. Right? No... death is right in my vision. My grandma Mitchell isn't doing too good. I just remember when we were little, she used to make porcelain dolls, and she showed us how she did it. She always smelled good. She had beautiful skin. I loved her and I looked up to her. I think of her devotion to her husband, Pops, and thought I wanted to love someone as she does him, and further get the same in return as Pops does her. She was a good cook too... She made cake a lot... lol, I loved cake as a kid so we got along great. But, I stopped seeing her so much because of the politics of me - I technically wasn't her grandchild. I didn't know she wasn't until I was 13.

In addition, my granny's birthday is today... When I think of her, I think of food cooking, her tireless ways; her selfless acts... converting her own home for those less fortunate. She gave her life for others. She took care of the homeless in her own home. She was amazing. I remember when I first met her, I was 13. She looked at me, and held her mouth... she was shocked and so damn happy. She hugged me for like 15 minutes. It just felt right. I felt like I had finally found the other half of my heart. I appreciated that she hugged my little sister for just as long since she was just meeting me too and probably didn't know how to feel about a big sister coming into her life 7 years into her life. Great woman... Rest in peace.

Then theres that hungover situation but we know about Ahmed already, I don't need to go into him on this one or this blog will never end. Kind of like this portion of my life. Shit is relentless.

Funny thing is while that I feel like I'm in a bubble, I see friends going through shit so parallel to my life and I wanna heal them so bad. Like "please don't feel like I do, please get the most out of life because this shit hurts and destroys your spirit." I don't want anyone to feel like I do right now. I'm that sensitive, overtly sexual, sexually abused felon... try that title on after your name and see how you feel. Shits fucked up right? Yeah.

I deserve a better title than that. I've seen good, bad and fucking ugly and life isn't really that simple. My optimism is still there... albeit its fucked off, but its still there. Its like this blog... its never-fucking-ending...