Silver lining...

If there is anything that makes day to day just a little easier to deal with, its the fact that there are folks that want me around. I know, I know... that sounds super self serving but I love that I have made new friends and have gotten better at being friends with my long times gals... I love them so much and they do make me feel whole. I was always close to all my friends and even though I made other friends quite often, I never strayed away from my home court of friends.  It wasn't until very recently where I realized I pushed them away - almost all of them, by sequestering myself and drowning myself in the misery that had become my life. Not cool.

When this whole thing started, I had no idea I was ruining ALL of my friendships by not being myself. I was tiring myself out with ways to hide my pain. First it was securing myself in my bedroom with blankets over the windows. Then it was acting out through words on my twitter. Then it was blatantly stating I need a break from you; you make me so uncomfortable; I can't even stand yo ass right now... things like that. Then it became a situation where I became panicked after realizing I was being intolerable to folks and wanted to do something, but figured it was all understood. I didn't want to admit to myself that its crazy to think that everyone is supposed to just "understand." I pushed everyone away with that shit... I went from wanting those people around to wanting no one around "if they don't want to be." Bullshit... before that happened, I wouldn't stand for anyone talking to me like that so why I would think I could do others like that is beyond me...

I'm only glad that Kiki, Carmella, Monique among others are there.  Some have disappeared and reemerged but nonetheless I am glad for them in one way or another.  They have helped me to understand the value of friendship just a bit more than I did even a year ago. 

"friends are reflections of who you are and reminders of who you want to become."

In addition, there are the new folks in my life.  I gave up on new friends because they had become so hemorrhaging but thankfully there are a few that have come into my life and have awaken my spirit... some by force through their own spirit and others through their quiet resolve and realistic nature.  I thought about the fact that I recently had been inspired to be my normal dramatic self in just regular discussion; it was just a few short months ago that I was just tired out with even expressing myself to anyone other than Carmella and Jesse and therefore amazingly introverted and dry. I owe that resurrection to only one person... lmao. Thanks Nikki... I'm sure my Aquarius friends would love to strangle you too...

And speaking of Nikki... Ms. Memphis herself... I imagine that God brought us together for some truly bizarre reason... we really are alike in the most uncharacteristic ways and are going through parallel life changing battles like moving away from family and friends to build a better life among other things. Not to mention this chick's birthday is 4/19.  I finally have my very own femme Aries/Taurus... not borrowed, all my own. (inside joke). She really is an interesting gal.

The quietly resolved chick - Ms. Seven - is a woman all her own... from D.C. and she makes life just a little bit easier for me.  Entirely motivational, she wants us to be better I see... she knows my story and relates; made it easy to be me again just be enticing me just do it my way.  I love her spirit... it really is easy going... like I was way before I met her, but managed to lose briefly through my stress and strive...

There are other new ones that have helped me re-find myself.  I am so grateful for them all. I'm glad that God brought these people to me.  They have been a blessing in their own way.

To me friends are reflections of who you are and reminders of who you want to become. They inspire you to work harder and be better. They are there with you to have fun and enjoy the time along the way. They will tell you when you are dead wrong and praise you when you are right.  I'm grateful for my bunch... all of my friends.  That is my silver lining in all this stuff I am going through; the case, the dude, the move, the life... I managed to find my friends and keep them. Thank you all... I love you dearly.