Sick and Tired.

so yeah, here I am... in tears. What else is new? I have never cried so much in all my life. I am sick... sick to the point of pain and I have no sense of comfort around me. Between allergies, ICW levels on the fringe, coughing, and sore throat, I just would have loved some sort of help today. But no... now before I get ahead of myself I have key points to be made.

1) My obvious frustration with being sick is simple... I used to not care if anyone was there but in this last year, with all the emotional turmoil I have been facing, it all matters to me now. I hate how my life has been so squandered and changed on behalf of the crap I endured almost a year ago. In the past, when I was sick, there was a bevy of people to help me get through... I had my parents around, my male companion there and I had my friends. I don't have that anymore. Because I don't open myself up to many people anymore, I don't have friends here in Sacramento. And because my first known father doesn't care about me anymore, I have little to no family support up here as well.

2) All weekend, there has been enormous discussion on men, on how worthless they are, how much they create the pain women endure and further how they are to be used for self promotion or self discovery or just plain out attention. I choose to listen, only because I am the type to be an ear for my friends, but also to understand a woman's plight. I generally don't blame Ahmed for all of my heartache, and I don't blame the fucktard who disrespected me for my inability to open up to many people. I don't blame no man for shit and its probably because I hope to see them in a better light than that's casted upon them. Take Corry for instance: young man, does little to nothing in search of his own empowerment because he believes he has it already. I see him for that, but to my friends he is seen as someone toying with my kindness, taking me for granted, all for his own personal gain to say he could get a 30 year old. Wow... see thats deep. Too bad I don't think that damn hard.

3) Blaming Ahmed for anything is almost impossible with the exception of what his abandonment has caused me. He left at the pinnacle of the most trying time of my life. I needed my love. I needed my man at that moment and he hopped out on me because he didn't believe me. I gave him my trust... TRUST is so damn huge with me. I told him I trusted him with my LIFE. I have NEVER said that before. EVER. How dare he leave me... to make matters worse, I am now going through the emotional roller coaster of prosecution AND probation and I have no one. I will not allow people to get too close to me BECAUSE I am still hurt.

4) I have TRIED to allow closeness from friends... TRIED to make new friends... and what have they ALL done? Show me the same symptoms of abandonment. The truth is I am reading into things that people do in relation to what has been done to me... I really don't want anything negative to happen to me twice so I opt to run AND get extremely saddened when I notice it. The most fucked off part about the whole thing is my heart won't allow me to quit; I desperately want resolution in my mind and I believe that if I just tried harder, then people will see me for who I am. It ends up a fruitless effort because I just come off needy and desperate for THEM and they run. They dont want me... and here come that abandonment I try so hard to avoid.  (I must say I am crying typing my truth right now...) I see myself as incredibly immobile; stagnant and hoping for an answer. I'm lost in my own pain with regards to last year. Picking up these pieces are HARD; the pieces are tiny.

Bawlling and not eating is certainly not cool. I just wish I had a better avenue to take... I wish I had friends that weren't so disillusioned with what my life was, but be enchanted by what I am working for. I want some peace of mind. I want some company... Shit I want some tissue.

But seriously, I need help. Clearly.