Ain't no way

I figured it out. I sat in revelry over this whole situation with regards to a possible love affair that is long lasting. See, I never liked to discuss future type shit, like "when I get married" or "when I have kids" and I think the reason I strayed from it is simply because I didn't want to get myself excited at the prospect. Not to mention, most of the guys I have talked to weren't particularly interested in making plans to marry or have children.  I always just assumed that it wasn't for me; even thinking that perhaps it was more for me to just remain single for the rest of my life.

See, I lost myself some months ago and had to find myself all over again.  Recently, my heart has been jumped on and left for dead too. I've kinda had a urge to be in seclusion because I feel like it was clear that peer to peer abuse is so prevalent.  While I remain friendly and try to help and be the comrade I should be, its not necessarily reciprocated by all my "friends".  People are different, this I know, but the fact remains that I am human, I do have feelings, I have been through A LOT, so please treat me the way I treat you; with some damn respect.

I've gone off into a tangent again... the fact of the matter is that I once believed in love and its possibilities and when a friend came and took my friendship as a weakness and further took my body as a conquest, I lost hope. I lost it all and became confused. In my day to day struggle with coming to terms with what has happened to me; I realize I am not the same person. I hate harder, I care with more passion, I fear less, I harbor more, but most importantly I'm not in tune with my desire - the natural desire - to have the love of a man in my life. Its kind of like a radio dial in between stations - you can hear the music, but its distorted with static.  I really wish that I could love like I once was able to. I really would be happy. But instead, I'm distorted.